“let’s run away together” babe no we have dishes to do
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Face ID always wanting me to suppress my emotions this is a toxic relationship
*Buys map of world, pins it up on wall*
*Throws dart, swears to visit wherever it lands*
*Visits the middle of the Atlantic Ocean*
When the Eagles wrote the lyric “We are all just prisoners here, of our own device,” they weren’t kidding.
Posted from my iPhone
If you love someone set them on fire. Did I get that right? Oh god what have I done. It’s SET THEM FREE isn’t it? Sorry burning loved one.
The book I bought on dog training doesn’t seem to be working. I don’t think she’s even reading it.
OKAY DAD
Lawyer: As My Lord knows,…
Judge: Don’t presume I know it, counsel.
Lawyer: Beg pardon. *clears throat* As My Lord ought to know…
I exercise by keeping the whisky bottle on the far side of the room.
i am single and looking for someone amazing! but if my ex is reading this i have 12 boyfriends and they have all proposed to me
Aliens: we want to study ur kind. take us to ur leader
Americans:(nervous)haha what um no well see here’s the thing uh now’s not a good time
If you can see the bread you are not using butter correctly.
Hey to all the girls with more than one person in their picture you’re making this VERY DIFFICULT.
I was on a date with a girl and she said “did you notice my finger nails?” And I was like “yes” and she was like “well I have no arms”
The 30 mins before I start my kid’s bedtime routine are the longest 3 hours of my day
I trimmed all the bushes in the front yard to make my house look bigger.
My son has a shirt that says, “my dad can beat up your dad,” and honestly I don’t like the pressure
jesus: and take this foot, for it is my lasagna
peter: ok let’s get you home
“Ok, hear me out. What if we gave people enough for three fries?”
-guy who invented ketchup packets
I like that blood pressure kits come with a free, handy zip-up bag that your stuff will never fit in again once you take it out.
Her: but why aren’t the candles ON the cake?
Me: it’s not a birthday cake, Denise. it’s a summoning tart.
The only thing we need to bring back is duels.
When Americans say Math instead of Maths I find it so damn exy
“Kids are great when you need help around the house.”
– People who don’t have kids
In Canada at our Black Friday sales we fight to see who gets to hold the door open for others.
Cowboy: This town ain’t big enough for the both of us
ME: I’ll be staying indoors almost all the time
Cowboy: ok cool
Kid: Can I get a new toy?
Me: No, Christmas is coming and you’ll get presents then
Kid: Can I have a candy bar?
Me: No, maybe Santa will bring you candy
Kid: A granola bar?
Me: Ask Santa 😉
Kid: A drink of water?
Me (only half listening): On Christmas
It’s fine when Santa does it, but when I see you when you’re sleeping & know when you’re awake it’s “creepy” and “sir, you’re under arrest”
My ex says he’s dating someone new but according to his Instagram she’s a sandwich
don’t eat yellow snow is a pretty sound rule but i would warn against eating any kind of weather