When I was a young boy my father took me into the city to see a marching band…
[8000 words later]
In a medium bowl, mix together butter, white sugar, and brown sugar. Beat in eggs one at a time, then stir in vanilla. Preheat the oven to 375 degrees. Grease cookie sheet,
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Me: I don’t know what to do on my date
Friend: show her some local culture[later]
Date: hi
Me: *holds out hands* look at this yogurt
Watching TV
Detective: … and the horribly mangled remains were found on October 25th…
Me: Woo! They said my birthday!
I hate what you’ve done with the place.
Alien 1: we’re abducting you
Alien 2: taking you to our home planet
Me: oh no, captured on a planet full of aliens
Alien 1: actually since it’s our planet, you’re the alien
Me: good point. that means I’m the one who does the probing
Alien 1: wait, no-
Alien 2: she’s right Blork
At the first signs of a sore throat you should be given the option of just skipping 4 days into the future
[looking for our lost son in the mall]
ME: we should split up and find him
WIFE: *serves me with divorce papers*
[straw house]
Wolf: [big inhale]
[gun cock from inside]
Wolf: [soft exhale]
on my driver’s license I look like a hobo
in person, I am groomed and wearing decent clothes
the bartender studies my ID, studies my face, then says to my girlfriend, “good job”
Mum: Oh I’ve always wanted to try one of these , *leans in* Alexa, what’s your name?
Me:
*speaking to my neighbor whom I haven’t seen in four months
Sorry I broke my pickle ball paddle over your head during the last Purge.
Me: I can’t come into work today. The vibe is off.
Boss: Holy shit take all the time you need
Guys only want one thing and it’s to lick your Himalayan salt lamp when you’re not looking.
My mind thinks I’m 6, and my heart thinks I’m 22, but my body knows we’ve died and reached hell.
They should make a sitcom where Gordon Ramsay works in a prison as a culinary instructor to prisoners with anger issues.
I’m going to give guided tours of my house, pointing out all the things I tried to fix.
“So hell isn’t too bad,” I say from the podium. “I just keep teaching?”
“Actually…” said a demon
“Actually…” said another
“ACTUALLY…”
4 was mean to his brother so I read him a story about an unkind crab who becomes stuck in a trap. 4 asked, “Did this happen because the crab was mean?”
Sensing a good opportunity, I shut the book and said, “Yes. And they ate him. The end.”
Sleep well tonight, kid.
me: [picking my nose]
surgeon: great choice
I feel like every time a GOP candidate drops out, Oompa Loompas should appear & sing a song to teach us about the perils of gluttony & greed
Bring a hedgehog into the library and frantically ask the clerks where they keep the reverse spell casting books.
When I was a kid, I had to walk uphill both ways in the snow just to change the TV channel.
Not to brag but growing up my boys thought a unanimous decision meant whatever mom wants.
How many glasses of wine equals two servings of fruit?
Asking for a friend.
HER: because you’re so juvenile this relationship is over
ME: [through walkie talkie] this relationship is what, over
How bad is it for Prince Andrew? Under today’s Royal Decree he’s banned from eating Burger King, Dairy Queen or Duke’s Mayo.
Life hack: ask telemarketers and phone scammers to go steady seconds into the conversation and never be bothered again OR now you found love
My friend had her baby at home and I can’t even give myself a manicure at home
*Mother driving me to an appt in the city as I clutch the passenger seat, white knuckled, terrified
Me: You drive like an old lady!
Her: That’s not very nice.
*swerves to avoid oncoming vegetable truck
Me: WE ARE GOING TO DIE
Her: Good thing I’m already an old lady.
me forcing my cat to look at the screen while we watch alien (1979): do you see how ripley is able to save jonesy from the alien because he lets her pick him up and put him in a carrier?
[first date]
Her: Dating is so hard now. There are so many weirdos out there, right?
Me: *loud prolonged dolphin screeching sound*