people talk about being able to fold a fitted sheet and I’m like wow there are people who make their bed
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If having a social media account makes you a journalist, changing a lightbulb makes me an electrician.
Sorry I embarrassed you when I tried to draft Smaug, but I totally misunderstood the concept of a Fantasy football league.
my friend said she won’t hang out with me anymore because I described a pigeon we saw at the park as “thicc”
Have you ever accidentally ended a business call with “I love you?” Oh yeah me neither.
Jeff: i’m pro gun.
Me: i’m anti gun.
Greg: i’m vegan.
Me: i’m pro gun, now. Jeff, give me your gun.
Trying to use the phone’s flashlight to look inside its own charging port.
Widow: did he say anything before he passed?
Me: *tearing up* he just said “tell Sheila i love her”
Widow: who the hell is Sheila?
me: [standing over a hot open fire at night]
10: this is nice dad
me: it is son [puts arm around him] yes it is.
10: but why are you burning all of our jeans?
me: we don’t need them anymore, son. jeans are a thing of the past now. [bites into a mozzarella stick]
Nobody:
My possessed doll at 3 am: [laughs in Seth Rogen]
⚠️ Important Reminder:
The directions say take two of the One a Day vitamins and that’s why nothing makes sense in this world.
They say it takes a village to raise a child, but they never tell me which village or how to reach them.
1 in 5 people are Chinese. Only 5 people in my family, it’s either mom or dad, brother Colin, younger brother Ho Chan. I think it’s Colin.
Me: Hi. Can I help you?
Him: I’m here about the wanted ad for the one night stand
Me: Great. Where is it?
Him: What?
Me: The nightstand.
I just yelled at some kids to get off my lawn. They were my own kids, but they can find somewhere else to play like everybody else.
Someone used my email address for their discord account so I logged into their account and deleted it lol.
Me: *checking into maternity ward*
Hey, so remember that time when you took the baby so I could sleep?Nurse: Ma’am, this child is seven.
If you need anything you can call me any time of the day or night. I won’t answer and my ringer will be off, so it won’t bother me at all.
[Budapest airport]
IMMIGRATION: So what is your purpose for visiting Hungary?
ME: [holding huge bag of marbles] I wanna see the hippoes.
When they told you to ‘seek attention’, they meant ‘medical’, not ‘internet’, psychopath.
To the person that put “SMILE” as their name on the printer… I will not!! In fact, I will hunt you down and force you to watch me frown.
Have you seen the new movie, “Constipation”? It may not have come out yet.
Him: You need to ease up on always picking out the things I do wrong
Me: You make it sound like I do it all the time!
Him: Even when I’m doing good, you have to find a mista…
Me: “Well”…when you’re doing “well”
Him:
Me: Go on…
Me: Eat your dinner.
6: But my belly hurts.
Me: Okay then you can go lay down but no treats or snacks later.
6: But I’ll feel better then.
Instead of taking melatonin just pay me to come to your home each night and I’ll tell you about my accounting job
*plans eclipse viewing party*
*buys special glasses*
*gets plenty of snacks and drinks**wakes up to pouring rain*
*goes back to sleep*
The hardest part of having multiple kids is explaining why only your first child has a baby book.
nurse: are you allergic to any medicine?
me: laughter
nurse: hahaha. OH MY GOD-
me [face swelling up]: i thold thou.
8: Mama, did you read this story when you were a kid?
Me: *smiling* Why yes, I did.
8: It’s a really old story then, I guess.
Oh, calm down… One Cobra bite and you’re falling to pieces!