I look after you all day, cook all your meals and clean the whole house, but dad builds one lego thing and he’s the hero?
Actually that lego is pretty impressive, and if I’m honest I didn’t clean the whole house
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You’re 22 years old, dating a 62 year old man an update a status like “I can’t wait to see my baby” Is he your baby or your ANCESTOR ?
This day in history. 2000. International Mother Language Day recognizes the cultural significance of such phrases as “Don’t make me come over there!” and “Because I said so!”
Ronald McDonald’s favorite song is the bigmacarena
Weird how first we have to pretend to be asleep in order to fall asleep.
1. Say “Eye” 2. Spell the word “Map” 3. Say “Ness”
My parents are 75 and 84. My son & I do frequent drive-by visits to make sure they have what they need. Today, I guess they needed to party.
*snaps wife’s nighttime eye mask*
You up?
“I miss my label mates.”
“You’re a recording artist?”
“We collect beer labels let me show you my albums.”
Me: I just murdered Frank Sinatra
Cop: What?? He’s been dead for years
Me: I was at the karaoke bar
Cop: Oh I see lol
Me *puzzled* who the hell did I kill?
I child proofed my entire house…
and they still got in
HER: Im breaking up with u
ME: Is it because I say “Uh Oh Spaghetti O’s” when things go wrong?
HER: Ya
ME:(under breath) Uh Oh Spaghetti O’s
Forget spiders, I’ve incidentally consumed at least a kilo of dog hair.
I used to wear tailored suits. Now I have “good” leggings, “grocery store” leggings and “so it’s come to this” leggings.
Apparently changing the locks isn’t funny to my husband or my kids…but I gave my dog a new key.
Standing closer to me in line will not get you to the checkout faster.
Bartender: what’ll it be?
Me: *pouring water on dino egg* we don’t know yet
Before you start pushing and shoving “older” folks in a crowd, remember Gen X perfected the mosh pit, and you’re gonna be in for more than you bargained for
my sister: snowboards
my brother: skateboards
me: charcuterie boards
4-year-old: How many push-ups can you do?
Me: A million.
4: Then why did your arms shake on the first one?
Me: Must’ve been an earthquake
Disney set unrealistic standards of how often woodland creatures would help me clean and do laundry if I just sang out my window
Guy Fieri is the live action version of the cartoon version of himself.
I eat too much candy. I know this because my dentist plans his annual trip to Hawaii after my appointments.
[day 7 of quarantine]
zzz
<⌒/ヽ-、__
/<_/____/
 ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄∧_∧ oh no
( ・ω・) im late for work
_| ⊃/(___
/ └-(____/
 ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄<⌒/ヽ-、__ lol
/<_/____/
 ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄
When I was 35, I put my finger in a small alligator’s mouth to see if it would hurt. Did it hurt? Yes. Do I regret it? No. I go into a lot of things and I KNOW I will get hurt, but I’m left with something money can’t buy. A pretty cool scar.
[interrogation]
Cop: what were you doing last nite?
Me: I was killin my neighbour, Bert
Cop: louder for the tape please
Me [leaning in]: I was filling in paperwork. I’m a busy guy
Me: Would you consider going out with a guy a little older than yourself?
Her: Well of course I would. Why, do you have a son?
Me: how is she?
Dr: well we’ve managed to save the leg
Me: oh thank god
Dr: she died
Me: …
Dr: so do you want the leg or what?
Have some fun with your life: before practicing your Kegals in a supermarket line, insert a squeaky toy and watch for people’s reactions
What did the llama say to his date?
“Want to go on a picnic? Alpaca lunch.”
The Amazon toy catalogue came to the house and my kids have already run up a 3 million dollar Christmas list tab.