ME: sometimes i just repeat your name instead of laughing
HANNAH: that is the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard
ME: hannahannahannahannaha
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if u ever feel insecure just remember that there is at least one couple where your name is a sensitive topic. kinda sexy of you to be that important
Always the bridesmaid, never the winner of the office costume party because I keep going as a bridesmaid
> be 28
> mom tells me to get a job
> put on Braveheart face paint
> run into kitchen
> scream FREEDOM
> mom tells me to get a girlfriend
I just panic bought 7 gallons of wolf urine and I’m not even sorry.
I don’t mean to brag but I’m a lot more trouble than I’m worth.
At this stage of my life, “Good in Bed” means not snoring or stealing the covers.
My car alarm is the driver’s door falling off onto the foot of an unsuspecting thief.
[interview]
“What’s your greatest weakness?”Superman: Seriously?
adulthood is a constant struggle between “i deserve a treat” and “there’s food at home”
[planning for wedding]
i found us a remote location
“Omg where?”
*points to fanny pack stapled to wall above TV*
The remote goes there now
Hi, I’m Suki. And I just turned the volume down because it was getting too cold in my car.
I’d like to learn a second language. I’ve narrowed it down to either Spanish or Canadian.
last night a woman wouldn’t stop talking during my show and when we asked her to stop she said “none of you were funny and I know funny because my godfather is the voice of spongebob” which is just the most incredible attempt at a flex
As an automobile advocate, I am begging people to stop using the term “Accident” and instead use “Car interaction”.
Say what you want about Korn, but they really cornered the incorrectly spelled vegetable band name market.
If a zombie approaches you, bop it on the nose with a rolled-up magazine and say NO.
Saw a young couple holding hands today & it reminded me that I need to buy a bottle of vodka
We grew up so poor we could only listen to Duran.
Saw a guy with two sheathed machetes walking through a Winco once, like he thought he was gonna have to Mortal Kombat his way into getting a 24-pack of Orange Shasta
Just passed a mum with her little girl, no older than 7, who was crying over a skinned knee.
Mum: I don’t think we need to cry over this anymore.
Little girl, still crying: This is in NO WAY a WE situation.
I don’t even have a calendar anymore, I just go to my guys group chat and write “Tuesdays am I right fellas” and if nobody says “you said it brother” then I know it’s not Tuesday
My 5yo is insisting weasels aren’t real and that I’m the one who told him that, and I did not know I was going to have defend myself like this before coffee
Decided don’t want to have children. Wonder if the wife will accept my decision. Suppose the kids may not be best pleased either.
“It’s ok. This is normal for her.”
– How my friends explain me to others.
[gets down on one knee]
her: omg
[gets down on two knees]
her: ok…
[gets down on third knee]
her: wtf
I just killed two birds with one stone and my next door neighbor looks horrified.
*reads your mind*
*decides to wait for the movie*
Oh your gums are bleeding? I brush my teeth so hard my hand is bleeding
[Scooby & the gang catch a regular guy]
“Let’s see who this ghost really is!”
No! Wait, I’m not-
[rip off face]
*gasps* “OLD MAN SKELETON?”