KID IN PARK [crying] I think my mum might of left me here
ME: Oh no!
WIFE: Talk to him
ME: Hey, listen kid *kneels down* it’s might HAVE
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[Plays air guitar]
[Dodges air panties]
Women: I need a man that can open pickle jars and kill spiders
Me: *Opens a jar of spiders* Did I do this right?
The bad news is there was a lot of turbulence on my flight this morning. The good news is my phone counted it as steps.
Me: I heard you two are expecting, so I bought you a Parenting book.
Friend: Umm, this is a Cocktail Recipe book.
Me: You’re welcome.
Do not apologize for your dog coming up to me because this is exactly what I wanted
BBC crime shows on Netflix:
– Inspector Grimpenchester
– The Hangman’s Ax
– Get Me Bumblry!
– Miss Lettie Pennyfeather’s Detective Concern
A good friend will delete your browser history for you, but a best friend will make your chalk lines smaller
If I have to bless 3 or more of your sneezes, it’s an exorcism at that point. Sorry but you’re on your own.
You never realize how many curse words are in a song till you play it for your family
[dracula slapping mosquito]
holy shit that really IS annoying
We’re looking for someone to eat macaroni and cheese at the end of our bed while we have sex. No weirdos please.
Those magical three words you’ve been waiting so long to hear. Red, or white?
Him: you’re not wearing pants?
Her: my pants don’t fit, OK?
Him: your pajama pants don’t fit?
Her: MY PAJAMA PANTS DON’T FIT, OK?!
THE INVENTOR OF HAND SANITIZER: who’s the paranoid one now huh, WHO’S THE PARANOID ONE NOW
In medieval Europe, it was pretty easy to amass vast armies eager to go into battle and have their heads schwacked off because no one wanted to be alive in medieval Europe.
[i fall down the stairs & break my back]
Me: Siri, call me 911
Siri: okay.. I will call you 911 from now on
Me: haha nice
Siri: thanks 911
My wife is now fully vaccinated so [uses her as a human shield wherever we go]
Sorry I ate your baby but you shouldn’t have wrapped it like a burrito.
The guy blaring the self help CD at the red light in the rusted car with no bumpers wasn’t amused when I said, “I don’t think it’s working”
His tongue explored the hole, probing deeper and deeper until she just couldn’t take it any more.
‘Would you just eat your donut already?!?’
I hadn’t pledged allegiance to the flag in so long I forgot the words and I may have just drunkenly pledged to one nation, invisible, with librarian judges for all.
Customer: you don’t want to see me when I’m mean
Me: I don’t want to see you when you’re happy either!
[doctors]
“How long have I got?”
“Not long. Two, three months”
[casually places apple on desk]
“Ok, ok, six. Just get that out of here!”
The 2020 presidential election will be won by whichever candidate has the strongest policy on adding Waluigi to Smash
•a lion stalks a fawn•
•a man steps out from behind tree•
I’m Chris Hansen from NBCs to catch a predator, do u know how old that deer is?
Hi, I want to get a tattoo to express my individuality. Do you mind if I look through this book of tattoos you’ve done for other people?
waking up to good morning texts from your partner is great and all, but have you ever woken up to a message from Amazon confirming that your package will be delivered today?
Still a very good boi….
Don’t you hate it when you forget proper terms for objects so you end up calling a “watering can” a “that waterthingie for thirsty plants, yanno it’s like a portable water holder”.
Whoa, whoa whoa…
I only lick people on the street when I need them to get out of my way.