Laundry is racist!!
Must separate the whites from the colors!!
No delicates allowed?
Oh, whites get HOT water, everyone else gets cold!
You Might Also Like
😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
I am a:
⚪️ man
⚪️ woman
🔘 gooseLooking for:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 bread
5 just told me she is on the phone and it’s not ok to interrupt her work call. Then hushed me as she walked away explained to her coworker how hard it is to work with parents around.
Her “phone” is the kitchen calculator.
Prince Devitt x Low Ki x Kota Ibushi. One of my all time favorite matches. 🔥
I had a thought so dumb today that I Venmo-ed a friend $5 before I texted it to her.
Imagine the things Wile E. Coyote could have done if he’d had access to Amazon Prime Days.
It’s too bad you unfollowed me, I was about to propose.
280 characters, baby, and you know what that means:
OXFORD COMMAS.
OXFORD COMMAS AS FAR AS THE EYE CAN SEE!
My back hurts too much to lean over anymore, going to have to resort to picking things up with a deep curtsy.
interviewer: why do u want this job
me: i’m passionate about being able to pay my rent
What’s your stance on public intoxication?
Mine is very wobbly.
The real walk of shame is having to waddle to the hall closet to get toilet paper because you didn’t check before engaging the launch code.
[guy named mark who successfully used his cloning machine] this is remarkable
day 1: we’re in this together babe.
day 47: i can hear you breathing.
Me: Today I will be patient, kind, and tolerant of things that I can’t control
Also me: Screams at toothpaste for not coming out of the tube faster
I enjoy a glass of wine each night for its health benefits.
The other glasses are for my witty comebacks and flawless dance moves…
ME: When Princess Leia kissed Luke, did you know they were brother and sister?
GEORGE LUCAS: *laying in bed* How did you even get in here?
[first day as a bartender]
customer: i’d like this drink to go to the lady in the corner
me: [holding it] HEY
her: [looks up]
me: CATCH
me: omg you’re dying
my phone: wtf the charger is just across the room
me: [crying] I wish I could help
a segment like “celebrities read mean tweets” but instead it’s professors reading course evaluations written by students who failed their class
ME: Who’s a good boy?
MY DOG: What have you heard?
Dad: Your grandpa used to cut the grass before he died, but now he’s-
Son: Dad please don’t…
Dad: Lawn gone.
The last time I danced like nobody was watching, someone stabbed me with an EpiPen.
ME: *watching the sun rise* ugh, this shit again?
THE SUN: *watching the earth rotate around until I appear* ugh, this shit again?
If my bathroom scale were polite it would start off by telling me what a great personality I have.
Her: I ran across a YouTube video called “Why You Will Marry the Wrong Person.”
Me: Did you watch it?
Her: No, it was 22 minutes long. I figure I’ll just take my chances.
Darth Vader: Luke, I am your father
Luke: really?
Darth Vader: yeah. Why?
Luke: you have the voice of a heavyset black guy is all
My mother & wife are scared to death of each other, so they both ask me to help word their emails to each other. So, the communication between my mother and wife has *evolved* into me writing emails to myself. They get along great lately. It took me too long to figure this out.
boss: you’re late
me: I broke down on the way here
boss: did they tow your car?
me: car?
He’s making a list, he’s checking it twice, he’s leaving the store, he still forgot milk