My daughter said her English class requires 1,000 pages of summer reading so we went to The Cheesecake Factory and I handed her a menu
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Hold that thought while I slip into something more comfortable.
*moves to Fiji*
shaggy: look out, it’s a g-g-g-ghost!
fred: there’s no such thing as ghosts
scrappy doo who is a literal talking dog: yea shaggy u stupid human idiot
Inside you are two wolves. Inside each of them? You guessed it: two more wolves. Are there two wolves inside each of those two wolves? You better believe there are. You are a wolf pyramid scheme, my friend.
if you won an award for brushing your teeth the worst, would you receive a plaque plaque?
New COVID variant tries to sell you an extended auto warranty.
A spider just fell from the ceiling and landed right in front of me and now I have to explain why a woman was screaming in my cubicle.
WELL, WHO TOLD YOU TO GO IN THE BATHROOM?
~ Me, yelling from bed at the cat crying to get out of the bathroom
why try to flirt with someone who leaves you on read when you could be enjoying some soup instead
I hate it when I see an inflatable arm-flailing tube man and then I realize that he was actually flailing his arms at someone behind me.
Doctor – “you’ve been bitten by a spider. Ever see that movie Spider-Man?”
Me – “no?”
Doctor – “and I’m afraid you never will. You’re dying”
I think I have to give up cheese and my transformation to bitter old lady is complete
My obituary will say “He always found himself being lured into uncomfortable social situations by the promise of food”.
[Sporting goods store]
Me: *buying skis* No need for a bag my good man. I’ll be wearing them out
Hey girl, I heard you like bad boys?
*starts jigsaw puzzle from middle instead of edges*
[playing poker]
“I’m all in”
*slowly pushes a half-eaten burrito and a cat to middle of the table*
Female fishermen should be called Broadcasters.
me: do you guys still give lollipops after sticking in the needle?
drug dealer: what?
Me: Nothing has better sucking capability than a Dyson vacuum.
Dracula: You can’t be serious.
Cop: you’re going to prison for forgery
Me *slides him a 37 dollar bill* what about now
I always say “Beep beep! Tough guy alert!” when I see a guy in a Tap Out shirt so he knows I know he’s a tough guy.
[debate]
ME: i think you’ll find that the point is moat
OPPONENT: i believe you mean the point is moot
ME: [raising my drawbridge] i do not
I accidentally texted my husband “last dinner” instead of “late dinner” and now he won’t come home
the problem with buying a lovely loaf of bread is you then need to eat it in three days. toast for breakfast, sandwiches for lunch, toast for dinner, bread for a snack, bread in salad, bread as a hat, make a bread friend called bread and spend the night watching bread together
FRIEND: Weighted blankets are great for anxiety
INTERNET: Weighted blankets are great for anxiety
DOCTORS: Weighted blankets are great for anxiety
ME: [trapped & unable to escape from a weighted blanket] Well, I do feel anxious
I accidentally used my cat’s shampoo, and now my wife takes pictures of me every 15 minutes.
I hear they’re banning honking up there in Canada. Those geese are gonna be pissed…
The incontinent optimist sees the bladder as half empty.
parties in 2004: I hope I don’t get drunk and tell mindy I like her
parties in 2017: I hope this beer company doesn’t support genocide
BANK ROBBER: I said keep your hands up!
ME: *Exasperated sigh* The whole time?!