Literally every dog in the world failed their families by letting a rabbit break into their home
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I don’t want clothes that spark joy. I want clothes in which I can pause in a doorway, look over a shoulder, and utter something devastating before exiting.
It’s Ash Wednesday so today I had fish for dinner.
OK, I had Goldfish for dinner. That still counts, right?
Me: Enough with the reminders. I got it already.
Also me: Oh shit that was today.
The only real difference between my 20s and my 30s is that now I make all my bad decisions before midnight.
Friend: I set a new personal record last week
Me: Me too
Friend: I took 2 minutes off my marathon time
Me: I ate 12 tacos in one sitting.
PHYSICIST: There are infinite universes, more than you can imagine
ME: That means there exists a universe in which all my tweets are funny
PHYSICIST: Not that many
ME: “Personally I think it should be called a ‘fastboat’ instead of a ‘speedboat’ – ‘slow’ is also a speed.”
DATE: “I meant what do you think of the meal.”
[1st Row at Beyoncé Concert]
Beyoncé: Who run da world?! *points mic at me*
ME: [having briefly heard the song once before] …squirrels?
I know karate and tons of other words.
ok wow… unfollowing now. was a big fan of their music but i was not aware they were using it to lure sailors to a watery grave by dashing their ships against the rocky coast of their island
[bedtime]
SON: I want a monster story.
ME: Sure. This one’s called “The evil co-worker that reheated fish in the microwave.”
The same mosquito kept biting me last night. He probably thought he was at a wine tasting event.
Is #GoHomeIndianMedia really trending? Can we respond with #NoPleaseYouKeepThem or #OkFineWhereElseCanWeSendThem
Psychic: I’m also a medium.
Me: I’m a large or extra large depending on the brand.
Started raining WHILE I was in the car wash. Like..
Onion rings
Me: “Hello?”
A guy on a scooter just yelled at me for being on my phone at a red light so I yelled at him for being on a scooter
I think my husband left me. I woke up and he’s gone. He better have taken these kids.
My aesthetician asked me to stop calling it a “crisis at the border” when I make a bikini wax appointment
INTERVIEWER: this says u work well with otters. Did u mean others?
ME (shoving a romp of otters back into my briefcase): haha yeah of course
i turned 40 and suddenly i can’t see shit if i drive at night and it’s raining. Is the lane still there? Idk. Did the road disappear? Idk. Am I even on the road anymore? Nope.
The most dangerous types of canoes are volcanoes.
I strike a fierce pose for the camera, then another, and another.
“Can…can you just stand still?” the x-ray technician asks sadly.
mood
According to the scale at my gym, all I’ve lost so far is 300 dollars.
Vegan zombies be like: GRAINS!
exec: any ideas for new kids shows
writer: a mouse tries to murder a cat with a toaster
exec: nice. what else?
writer: a coyote tries to murder a roadrunner with dynamite
exec: love it. any more?
writer: a dude with a speech impediment tries to murder a rabbit with a shotgun
HER: I like talking during sex, but I can’t stand it when you narrate the whole thing
ME: As she complains, I begin removing my pants slowly
When I am calculating any risk, I think to myself: is this first cat life behavior? Or ninth cat life behavior?
When my therapist asks how my anxiety level has been