why does saying their name 3x work for Bloody Mary and not for Brad Pitt?
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“You are what you eat”?
I don’t remember eating a giant disappointment.
(At a funeral)
Im so sorry for your loss. I know how it feels to lose something you love. Last year Taylor Swift took her music off Spotify.
When humorists pole-dance it’s called a comic strip.
I wrecked my Italian car, now it’s al dente
“I don’t buy flowers for girls because they die” yeah well so do the flowers
CLICK HERE TO SUPPORT BREAST CANCER
“okay” *click*
WHY ARE YOU SUPPORTING BREAST CANCER U MONSTER
“oh no”
[mom from other room] WTF KYLE
How to start a fight with your wife:
1- Watch your wife buy a squash
2- Put it on the shelf
3- After three months ask your wife if the squash has a name
Yep.
My husband was typing and asked me how to spell suspicious and now I am.
The romaine empire has fallen. Cesar is dead. Lettuce pray.
The worst part of waking up from a nap is the noise my coworkers make in the office.
Confession: I’ve said “Can’t wait!” about things I actually could wait for.
Me: Was this product tested on animals?
Clerk: Yes.
Me: [outraged] I knew it!!!!
Clerk: Sir, that’s a dog leash.
In 1911: Dracula used to drink virgin girls blood … In 2012: he died of hunger.
We like knowing who the fastest person on earth is.
We don’t know why, or how this information will be useful, but we like to know it all the same.
Wife: How is he?
Doctor: To be honest, he’s like a fish out of water
Wife: He’s in unfamiliar surroundings?
Doctor *pushes glasses up nose* he’s dead
Researcher: By 2030, life expectancy is predicted to increase globally by 6 years.
Southerner: [pouring mac and cheese into deep fryer] No.
“Hey, you guys dare me to eat this whole party sub by myself?”
I ask the dolls that line my bedroom shelves
*gives you a knife
*points to the toaster
wtf is a larm clock?
It’s the weekend; time to get my nopes up.
I opened this great self-care app.
It’s called “the fridge.”
“Goodnight, don’t look at your phone too long”
“I won’t”2am on Wikipedia: “So *that’s* how they make bowling balls…”
Did you ever see someone yawn, and then yawn yourself? That psychological reaction is a phenomenon known as: “Katherine Heigl movies.”
goldilocks was so stupid for not wanting to sleep in a bed too big for her. oh nooo i’m tooo comfy!! shut up
Waiter: What dressing would you like on your salad?
Me: Ice cream
Car trouble, miss? Allow me to squint, and posture heroically while staring at your labyrinthine engine as panic cascades through my spine.
*pours 2 glasses of wine*
*gives one to wife*
*gives other one to wife*
Can’t find your children? Try turning off the wifi. They appear suddenly.