I made the mistake of smelling one of my 6yo’s socks to see if it was dirty. I will now just assume all socks are dirty.
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Can’t believe anyone would attack this place
I’ve never really found myself “in a pickle,” but it sounds quite jarring.
I asked my 13-year-old what time I need to pick her up tonight. She told me to check the practice schedule she already gave me. That’s the kid version of “as per my last email.”
Me: If you become a lawyer, I’ll disinherit you
16: From what?
Me: …well played
My pantry would give that guy from Sleeping with the Enemy a heart attack.
My 8yo just reasoned that I should clean up the mess from her craft project because I was the one who suggested she do the craft project.
Laziness level: expert.
Me: I’ll cook breakfast
Wife: Whatcha making?
M: Poached eggs on brioche with pancetta & hollandaise
W: REALLY?
M: No. One Pop Tart or two?
Life hack: enter your birthday as being on a different week on each restaurant membership so you get a freebie each weekend.
a one man band getting kicked out of a zumba class
Crazy but true: Over 80 percent of twins seperated at birth have the same exact birthday.
“Your dinner is good, but my taste buds can’t appreciate it” my son said, so I guess he’ll have a great career in politics
Started playing with the self-retracting cord on my vacuum to find out how much weight it can pull; long story short, I’m Batman now.
I wish I could just drop my body off at the gym and pick it up when it’s ready.
it’s so sad that aladdin was my favorite movie as a kid and now i can’t even remember the main character’s name
My toddler and I went pretend grocery shopping. It was a pretend Whole Foods and now the little guy is pretend broke as shit.
if Taylor watched me at work I’d probably do really well too idk
A journey of a thousand miles
begins with-running back in the house for
something you forgot.
coworker: did you hear someone used all the charity money to buy snacks from the vending machine
me: *laughing nervously* that’s awful
I’d say a good part of my day is spent trying to convince my dog that we’re not about to be murdered by the UPS guy, mailman, squirrels, or the ice dispenser
Took a good look at my finances.
I won’t make that mistake again.
Note to self: Before committing any murders, get head and shoulders. Can’t be leaving DNA all over the place.
I thought 50 shades of gray was just a makeup application guide for goth chicks
My wife and I are in a fight so I just looked her right in the eyes and folded a towel in fourths.
Hobos are like cats, they’ll let you pet them until you stop feeding them cat food.
wife: What happened to you?
me *limping* I took a nap
ME: *dying* are you…the Grim Reaper?
GRIM REAPER: WOW, WE LITERALLY JUST MET… PLEASE CALL ME GRIMOTHY. LET’S KEEP THIS PROFESSIONAL.
Her: Give me a chat up line?
Me: Uh ok, are you a zookeeper?
Her: *laughs* Because I’m so captivating?
Me: No, you smell like an animal.
In no functioning society should the sentence “Someone stole my ape cartoon” be followed by “now my life savings are gone”
Overheard in 2nd grade class today:
“Do your work! Santa’s watching right now.”
“Yeah, my mom told me that ship has sailed for me long ago.”
Apparently “A shit ton” is not the correct response when a girl scout asks how many boxes.