“p” in my name stands for patience and that’s why it’s not there
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An inchworm is just a centipede that didn’t make the switch to the metric system.
I am looking properly as I cross the road my child said as her face disappeared completely inside her hood each time she looked left and right.
[demon possessing me is forcing me to walk into a chapel]
Me: are you breaking up with me?!
Demon: no- wait, do you actually think we’re a couple?
Me: *shyly blushing* well, you are inside of me
Demon: why are you this way
[young Santa Claus’s dating profile] looking for a girl who loves snow, living in perpetual darkness and cooking for thousands of elf slaves
I didn’t believe in miracles until I folded the laundry this morning and all the socks had a match.
Twitter is like:
funny joke
funny joke
funny joke
HORRIFIC IMAGE YOU CAN NEVER UNSEE
funny joke
funny joke
angry guy who didn’t get the joke
Used a Ouija board as a charcuterie plate and now three people who ate the Brie are dead.
I just explained the concept of a nail gun to my 4 year old and honestly he’s never been this interested in anything I’ve had to say.
[at symphony concert]
*marimba part begins*
Me: *takes out iPhone* Hello?
I’m rubber. You’re glue.
I don’t conduct low voltage electricity. You’re great for arts & crafts.
My daughter asked me what it’s like to be a parent, so I woke her up at 3 AM to let her know that I couldn’t sleep.
I never understand why do people whisper at funeral’s ? The most important guy at this party is dead he can’t hear you.
Did you know stuffing your bra with toilet paper works pretty well…
except when it rains.
My entire life can be summed up by those anxious and awkward breaths; the ones where you wonder if the hiccups are really gone or not.
A fun thing about having kids is how they ask for help with their homework.
On the way to school.
When I was 5 my life ambition was to ride on a parade float. That happened when I was 6.
I didn’t really plan past that, and still haven’t.
Fill in the blank song lyric “You are always on my __________”…
Wrong answers only !
Dogs are like babies, you can’t actually tell people theirs is ugly.
BAND: How’s everyone doing tonight!!
[crowd goes nuts]
ME (standing in the middle, normal voice): Ok I guess. Kinda tired.
My son just lost a tooth and wants money, not soy sauce packets this time.
“Make yourself at home.” they say, then it’s “Ma’am please put your bra back on.”
Make up your mind, library story time, make up your mind!
last night I told my four year old I loved her and she said “I love you so much that if someone chopped your head off I’d carry it around forever in a bag”
Time machine ads be like:
“Can you here me now?”
Remember Chucky? This is what he looks like now.
ME: i need to talk to you about something kind of awkward
GENE: what is it
ME: hygiene
GENE: hi kev
Them: what charity are you raising money for?
Me: *in a bath of beans* raising money?
If anyone’s interested in torturing their enemies until they beg for the sweet release of death, I’d highly recommend my niece’s middle school production of The Little Mermaid.
Me: Excuse me sir, what’s your Wi-Fi password?
Him: *[Leans in] *[Whispers angrily]
THIS IS A FUNERALMe: *[Types in]
THIS IS A FUNERAL
Whoever is responsible for “tear here” that doesn’t work, I will find you.
[INVENTION OF BABIES]
GOD: Ok so, make them neediest during their first year, but don’t give them any comprehensible language skills until, like, way later lol
ANGEL: *Noticeably distressed*