One day your kids will come home from school and ask why you spelled their name wrong.
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I saw a sign that said “Watch for children”
I thought to myself “That sounds like a fair trade”
Oh, you’ve got a cordless vacuum? Well my house is so small I can vacuum it all from one outlet, so who’s laughing now?
Your Honor the defense rests. They are so tired. Aww they look like angels when they sleep. Kinda makes u forget about the double homicide
My husband just left town for a work trip. I didn’t want him to miss out on anything so I made him a mixtape of the kids whining.
Dracula had it right, sleep all day, live alone in a castle & explode into a thousand bats to get out of social situations.
I’m not saying I’m jealous of the pigeons but I certainly wouldn’t mind someone throwing food at me from this park bench.
Explaining to the plumber that it’s a ziplock bag of my birthday cake I forgot I hid in the toilet tank, and also please don’t tell the kids about this spot.
I often wondered what it’d be like to be married to an idiot.
I asked my wife and she said you get used to it after a while.
Girl at restaurant: Hey, I like your shoes.
Me: Thanks! I’ll tell my feet.
[Smooth, Brian. Well done!]
I always regret making a good first impression because there is no way I can keep that shit up.
It was thirty seconds til daybreak
I waited patiently
And then it dawned on me
Falling in love is like diving into a tin of marshmallows, then hitting your head on the bottom.
for pi day i will be going as a cutie pie
This happened in my sink by accident and it looks like I’m trying to cast a spell to summon soup
I have concluded that dryer lint is the cremated remains of all the missing socks.
Tonite on House Hunters: Jill wants 4 bedrooms, granite countertops and a home spa. Bob wants to be stabbed in the driveway.
Sure I have my doubts, but Bigfoot doesn’t have any pictures of me either.
If they served grilled cheese sandwiches at communion, I’d go to church more often.
Bit into a beautiful looking strawberry, but it was actually rotten
Anyway, thought of you
I’ve got something stuck in my tooth, but instead of flossing I think I will just drive myself nuts all day by trying and failing to get it out with my tongue.
Hell hath no fury like a woman.
Oh? That’s not the entire expression?
[first date]
Her: I love cats
Me: (trying to impress) *pushes her plate off the table*
Me: I’m depressed
Doctor: I’m going to inject you with dog DNA
Me: How will that help?!
Doctor: Who’s a good boy?
Me: I AM
GF taking me on a surprise V-Day getaway. At least I think. Not sure what the lime and shovel in the trunk with me are for though.
Me: I’m having unusual urges!
Doc: Perhaps we should take you off that medicine.
Me flipping his nose: I’m not taking any medicine you silly goose.
[commercial for twitter]
hey do you love wasting time and also getting angry
The world is full of people who just need to hug a cactus.
God *creates dinosaurs* these are perfect
Dinosaur: Are you dino-sure hahaha
God *creates asteroids*
It’s like ten thousand tweets when all you need is a life.
[spider in house]
me: oh hey buddy, you lost? let me take you outside[ants in house]
me, wildly shooting bug spray: I AM BECOME DEATH, THE DESTROYER OF WORLDS!!