[on road trip]
Me: I AM NOT turning this car around
Son: *cries*
Me: Nope. No way.[45 min later]
Me: *walks out of house holding Mr. Teddy Bear*
You Might Also Like
(second date)
me: [eager to show off new tattoo] remember how you said you liked garlic bread
As we lie in bed at 4am I know you’re looking at me thinking you’ve struck gold. Your hand reaches towards me and I slap it away from the cheese that just fell onto my chest.
“No” I shout through a mouthful of cold pizza “mine”
I guess cinco de mustard didn’t have the same ring to it
[neil degrasse tyson voice] the film is called Home Alone but thats actually a misnomer. in fact, kevin was joined in his home by 2 burglars
[giving a eulogy for my doctor]
ME: im very sorry that i ate all of those apples
My boss is having a colonoscopy today.
I sure hope they find his head.
If the covid vaccine is implanting trackers in us then that just means when I get lost in an ikea then they can send in a rescue team
my dad didn’t let me date untill i was pregnant…
There I was, quietly reliving my dream of having my own house, when suddenly I was attacked by insane prices.
“Your optimism for the future makes me think you’re not paying attention.”
My mum: It’s a baby shower. Just write “congratulations”.
Therapist: Have you ever had a job?
Me: I once worked at a zoo
Therapist: Great! And what did you take from that?
Me: Definitely not a penguin
Therapist: what
Me: what
Me to my 7yo: Why are you sleeping naked with one mitten on?
7: Because I couldn’t find the second mitten
“It’s just me, my board, and my iron, catching some sweet sweet wrinkles.”
Star Wars spoiler:
Leia is Han’s father
when you say the word “spit” you have at least two opportunities to do so
Can we get Downton Abbey-style series about the Hogwarts janitors and kitchen staff?
A millennial told me that he and his friends weren’t on Twitter anymore because it was for old people now. I was like, “Finally, we won!”
“Parkour!”- What I yell after jumping up onto a chair to get away from a scary little mouse.
Sick of dudes not calling you after sex? Do it with me. I’ll call you thirty times a day. Even if you change your number, I will find you.
God: eat the green apples but NEVER touch the red ones
Adam & Eve: [brand new humans] what is green and red?
God: eh you’ll figure it out
The fact that my balcony isn’t facing the street makes it nice and quiet but also makes my speeches to the people rather ineffective
*august*
y’all need jesus
*christmas ads start*
not like that
Me: Your honor, he’s not asking the witness any questions. He’s just reading Harry Potter to the jury.
Judge: Yeah, I’m gonna allow it.
After years of waiting, I finally walked face first into a sliding glass door at a party. And you know what? It’s a crowd pleaser.
8: When I’m a grown up, I’m going to stay up all night
Me: I’m a grown up and I don’t stay up all night
8: Well I’m going to be a grown up with a lot of energy not a sleepy one like you
Yo yo yo, I just killed some dude,
Shot to the head, now my life is screwed,
Momma don’t cry, it’s not your life that’s in tatters,
Carry on, carry on, because nothing really mattersBohemian Rap-sody
I woke up in the middle of the night and wrote “dentists are liars” into my phone. Not really sure what the plan is with that.
My cat and I made a best friend pact tonight. If I die first, he won’t eat my body. Or if he dies first, I won’t use his skull as a cup.
*armadillo comes rolling back in the ball return*
“Wait.. if you’re here, then…”
*cut to wife sobbing at bowling ball* “UNCURL, FREDRICK!”
Coworker met a guy on an app, went on vacation with him, got married ob the vacation and quit today, I will be speaking on her episode of either Dateline or Snapped.