Why is it no matter how bad you rack yourself physically ppl invariably ask “Are you ok?”
Sure I am. Why I was just thinking this morning my hair would look so much better if it had matted blood in it.
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Number of times I’ve cooked Mac and cheese: 1000
Number of times I’ve thrown the box and then picked it up from trash to read the instructions: 1024
The toughest part of dating a doctor would be how they’re always 45 mins late for dates because the 7 dates they had before yours went long.
*knocks on woman’s washroom*
Hello anyone in here?
*no one answers*
*runs in & lifts up every toilet seat*
HAHAHA
*runs away giggling*
There’s something mentally wrong with people who ask other parents if their baby isn’t the cutest baby they’ve ever seen
PSA: if visiting family this holiday weekend, only bring up political topics that will outrage all family members for the same reason(s)
Growing up I really thought piranhas would have been a bigger problem in my life.
Look, I can either get over my ex or go on a diet but I can’t do both.
I am woman, watch me fit 94 bottles of shampoo and 15 different body washes on my shower ledge
Someone punctured my boss’s tires and I’m definitely gonna tell him about it, but first let me put the nail gun back in the backpack.
Me: You got that talent from me!
13yo: Don’t take credit for my genuis!
I bought black-out curtains on Amazon Prime day. It’s noon and my husband is still asleep.
So either he’s dead or they really work. 10/10
{God Creating Humans}
Shave that monkey and make it complain about everything.
Police officer: When’s your birthday?
Me: (Drunk) um ok thats easy… ten dash four
PO: What year?
Me: Ugh duh every year
I was told that exercise helps with your decision making. It’s true. After going to the gym earlier I’ve decided I’m never going again.
her: wow you wear those jeans everyday you must have like 5 pairs
me: [owns 1 pair of jeans] haha, 6 actually
When you feel unsuccessful, keep in mind that there are professional Bigfoot hunters.
Saw a homeless guy this mornin’ he said, “Any change?” Me, “Nope, you’re still cold and homeless.” We laughed & laughed & he stabbed me.
*drinks Grey Goose
*adds bird fanatic to the resume
*signs into Skype meeting with very important clients*
*tries to sound incredibly intelligent*
*gets attacked by moth*
*falls off chair*
If she’s got matching bra and panties on you know what that means… it means both were clean at the same time simmer down
“When I said Legos, I meant Roblox, but don’t worry about it. Santa knows what I meant.”
My 4YO, on the evening of December 23rd.
I shoulda been an air conditioner cause all I do is vent.
Do people who knit know about the industrial revolution?
My husband is trying to tell me shopping on Amazon isn’t a hobby.
Next thing I know he’ll be saying Twitter isn’t a hobby.
Overheard neighborhood story:
First person: my husband goes out and hoots at the owl every night around 8 and it answers.
Second person: MY husband goes out at hoots at the owl every night around 8 and it answers.
We only have one day set aside to celebrate women, but sharks get a whole week! Clearly, women need to start eating more people.
THE BREAKFAST CLUB (1985): Five white heterosexual suburban American 17-year-olds manage to find common ground.
wife: its ruining date night
me: its ruining date night because you’re letting it ruin date night
hitchhiker: just drop me off on the corner
people are doing cold plunges and i’m like, when i take a bath the water is so hot you could boil pasta in it.
What idiot called it a rhyme book & not rapping paper