My friends are measuring the alcohol while making drinks. I need new friends.
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People who complain about parties must not like free food.
To ensure that my wife will truly miss me when I go on trips, right before I leave I put a few spiders in the bedroom.
My daughter came downstairs an hour earlier than normal this morning and caught me hiding eggs. I had no choice but to tell her the truth: I woke up early to steal the candy that the Easter Bunny had left her.
I wouldn’t eat all of the Christmas cookies if my wife didn’t leave them out in the open, under the shirts on the top shelf in the back of the closet.
worm: *tells a joke*
early bird: lol
Husband: *snoring*
It’s like he’s trying to tell me something
*snoring*
What is it boy?
*snoring intensifies*
Timmy’s stuck in a well?
FYI fellas: if u wake up with some chick and u can’t remember her name, take her to Starbucks. They’ll write her name on the cup for ya!
“wow this rap song is good I wonder who this is”
*waits literally 4 seconds*
“oh there look at that he said his name how convenient”
ME (a man who was paid to write 3 reviews 20 years ago): Well, you know, speaking as a writer…
A guy that was falsely imprisoned for 10 years got free tickets to the Super Bowl. That guy is SO lucky.
The best part about talking to a narcissist is how there isn’t any pressure to add to the conversation.
Rich People Podcasts are wild.
A grasshopper just jumped onto my foot and I reacted like I was being attacked by a shark.
Starship Advertise Stardate 41153.6
Kirk: This velcro … is not … holding
Spock: Jim, it appears you’re using an inferior hook and loop system
Kirk: What … do you … suggest?
Spock: Logic demands we call in the experts
Kirk: Who … would that … be?
Spock: The Klingons
Karate isn’t always the solution but when it is, it’s the ONLY solution
If you refer to your air guitar using air quotes, does that mean you have a real guitar?
HIM: whatcha thinkin’ about?
ME: *thinking about how polar ice caps are melting yet Santa still gives naughty children coal instead of a clean, renewable resource alternative* …oh, nuthin’
My friend likes going out.Recently he went out of his mind.
My cat sleeps next to her food bowl and it inspired me to move my bed to the kitchen
A baby’s smile can light up a room. Unless it’s pitch black. Then the baby is totally useless.
[inventing that little handle inside the car]
engineer: what if there was a way for the driver’s mother to wordlessly express her mortal terror?
Started a pot of coffee. Cleaned the coffee maker, poured in fresh water, hit start, and waited for that sweet sweet caffeine laden honey of the gods. I watched in dismay as clear liquid ran into the pot and I realized I didn’t add the beans. Guys. I brewed hot water.
Friend: You sent her off to her first day of Kindergarten! Did you cry?
Me: Of course I cried. I’ve been waiting to feel this kind of freedom for five and a half years.
1 kid: Makes you a mom.
2 kids: Makes you a maid.
3 kids: Makes you a manager.
4 (or more) kids: Makes you a magical freaking unicorn.
Currently arguing with my toddler over how to spell the letter “A” if you’re thinking about having kids
ATTORNEY: my client would like to confess
ME: i sell human organs on the black market
JUDGE [who needs a kidney transplant]: tell me more
Garfield creator breaks silence to give impassioned speech. “It’s pronounced Jarfield” he says through tears
With so many sequels, I’m beginning to think maybe the missions ARE possible after all…
Bay: come over
Me: no, I’m watching TMNT
Bay: I made one too
Me: but it’s awful
Bay: come watch it
Me: who gave you my number, Michael