Don’t call me honey or baby if I don’t know you.
I’ll marry you and move my mother in with us and then you’ll be sorry.
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Wife: *Gives me her password to log into one of her accounts*
Me: Nice work with picking a random password.
Wife: It’s our anniversary.
i feel like if the avengers were real we’d really really hate them
Me: *lifts couch cushion*
6yo: what are you looking for?
Me: six thousand dollars
Me: Will my girlfriend be ok using Chanel 5 if she’s never used Chanel 1-4
Salesgirl: *into walkie talkie* security he’s back here again
Tequila bottles should come with a warning label saying “ may cause unexpected child support payments”
My 3yo is mad at me because her birthday isn’t the same as her older sister’s…
Send help!
COWORKER RECENTLY OUT OF THE HOSPITAL: i blew a tire on a mountain road and crashed thru the guardrail, rolling end over end down a cliff into a creek. i was trapped for hours upside-down & near death until a man walking his dog found me and called 911
ME: what kind of dog was it
[First Date]
Him: And, how did you get here?
Me: My parents had sex.
ME: [slowly peeling back sock] It hurts so bad doc, is it gangrene?
DOCTOR: [leaning in with tweezers] Hmm, I see, it appears to be… a red Lego
Today I learned that you never bring a ‘I did the dishes’ to a ‘you never pick things up’ fight
[God creating the octopus]
Idk, maybe make it look like the time I tried to cram the old pool noddles into a trash bag.
My stepson and his friend are driving around in my car. If he wrecks it, I have insurance. If he plays Nickelback in it, I’ll murder him.
Relatives – Because sometimes you need reminding of your bad genes too
7y.o: “Mom, what do you want for Mother’s Day?”
Me: “Sleep.”
7: “Haha, no seriously, Mom; something REAL.”
Exactly.
Comedians should be funny (agree with my politics) instead of being political (not agreeing with my politics)
Mowed the lawn yesterday with my shirt off and this morning there were 50 shirts left on my porch with a sign that said, “Please wear.”
Accidentally used the dog’s shampoo today, and I’m feeling like such a good girl.
*hands out free hug coupons in the mosh pit*
me: god grant me the serenity
god: no ❤️
amazing news for movie lovers. i have just RSVPed yes to a wedding where the only person i will know besides the bride and groom is my ex boyfriend
“1-1-9, what’s your non-emergency?”
Caller:
“Just kidding, you dialed it right. Thought you could use a laugh right about now.”
Did my fruit just move?
Pear-anormal activity
—How do you care for your mental health?
Me with my best frens:
Kid: There’s a monster living in my closet
Monster: do you have any idea how expensive a studio apartment is in this neighborhood
A friend with benefits would just be a bestie with a laser hair removal salon for me.
“Did he just do that by himself?” 🛹 🐈 😎
🔊 Sound up
A mother bear defending her cubs but it’s me defending the fresh pan of bacon from other hotel guests at the breakfast buffet.
According to the conductor, the train I’m currently on is going backwards to the previous station to “get a running start” up a hill, which feels like an idea I’d have if I was in charge of a train.
The most valuable lesson I learned from Hey Arnold is that it’s okay to punch mouth breathers in the face.
Therapist: How are you feeling
Me: I think I’ve finally gotten over my agoraphobia. I’m ready to go outside and get on with my life 🙂
Therapist: Ok you’re not gonna believe this