If anyone’s looking to join a pyramid scheme, hit me up and I’ll connect you with all the girls I went to high school with via facebook.
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if you get famous on youtube you get ad money. if you get famous on twitch you get donations. if you get famous on instagram you get sponsors. if you get famous on twitter you get your tweets crossposted to every other social media with your @ cropped out
God I hate condescending assholes!
(Condescending is like when smart people talk down to you to try and make you feel stupid)
Hear me out: a dating service that matches you based on your food delivery orders like “this person also ordered Chinese food five nights in a row”
*toddler screaming in car seat*
Husband: Sounds like someone needs a nap when we get home.
Me: I know. Totally. Wake me up around 4?
I keep overhearing people complaining about eavesdroppers.
What idiot called it “leaving right after sex” and not “nuts and bolts”?
*takes off hat*
“I’m afraid I have some bad news ma’am”
*puts on her hat*
“I’ve stolen your hat”
The bar at our movie theater sells movie-themed drinks.
Imagine my dismay when I found out their Aquaman-themed drink wasn’t a Jason Mimosa.
SCROOGE: Oh great spirit…why are we at the Olive Garden?
GHOST OF CHRISTMAS PASTA: These guys have endless breadsticks
*pronounces fake like saké*
Me: I’ve been tired for 10 years.
Kid: Hey, that’s how old I am!
Me: Weird…
No, please, let me give up my subway seat to your 6-year-old child who must be bone-tired from a life consisting mostly of playing & napping
[death row]
prison chef: would you like to request a final meal?
me: yes, casserole, but can you cook it for twenty five years
Diet starts today.
I need to lose about 3 years.
“Hope you don’t mind, I just like to smoke a little after sex” I say tossing the entire body of a salmon over a charcoal pit
Me: “Don’t piss me off, I can rip a phone book in half.”
10yo: “A phone what?”
Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Make it worse by saying they look tired.
Can I get a piña colada please.
‘This is Starbucks’
Sorry, can I have venti piña colada.
“Needs to be punchier” — someone who has no idea what they want and wants you to figure it out
Some bloke on FB called me a clown. Now I’ve got to go hide under his bed with a knife cause that’s what clowns do.
[taking a walk with mom]
Me: *steps on a crack and hears a woman scream*
Mom: I guess now is the time to tell you that you’re adopted.
How many Happy Meals do you need to eat before they start to work? I’ve just had six and I feel terrible.
if i ever got married i would use the reception as an opportunity to just play every song i’ve ever liked. no theme, no vibe. just me being like “omg i love this one” for two hours
WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT, I’M CHILL AF
Me: Shut the hell up!
Her: Maybe you wanna take this outside?
Me: *checks weather app* Can’t. There’s a high pollen alert right now.
When his teacher told us that our toddler is kind and sweet to the other kids in school I was so relived. If he treated other people the way he treated me he’d be in jail.
Interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills
Me: yes that number is zero
I can’t take this anymore. I’m breaking into the zoo and throwing myself into the meerkat exhibit
The upstairs neighbors had a lovers spat this morning.
All I know is next time he better clean out the lint trap before he puts anymore clothes in the dryer.