Picture someone chasing down a ping pong ball that fell on the floor.
Ok that’s how I dance.
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1 kid: Makes you a mom.
2 kids: Makes you a maid.
3 kids: Makes you a manager.
4 (or more) kids: Makes you a magical freaking unicorn.
“Why did u jump off that bridge?”
My friend did it too
“Well if your friend jumped off a bridge would u?”
Yes. I literally just said that
Not trying to brag but my son’s teacher wants his artwork to be looked at by a psychologist
OH. COME. ON.
Was reminded yesterday that this exists so I’m dusting it off
-hey lucifer. did it hurt
-did what hurt
-when you fell from heaven
-for the last time gabriel i am not going out with you
Welcome to your 40s: you’re not exhausted that’s just your face now.
Ten days without sweets and I’ve already blocked 2367 people.
There’s nothing church people love more than getting teenagers and young adults to move all the chairs
*punch*
Oh golly I’m sorry
-No, no, you’re quite alright. Go ahead
No, it’s your turn
*punch*
Thank you
-I’m terribly sorryCanadian boxing
I’m a single dad of 2 pre-teens so naturally at times there are talks of running away; but I don’t
One of my main goals as a parent is to provide my kid with enough amenities that she would never ask me to take her camping.
Yesterday my boss asked why I was tardy and I said, “I don’t think you’re supposed call people that any more.”
AN OPEN LETTER TO COFFEE
Thanks.
I always use a short cut when I’m going to knife fight a midget.
Started raining WHILE I was in the car wash. Like..
Escape rooms are a fun way to discover you’re the dumbest in your friend group
TERMINATOR: I need your clothes, your boots, and your motorcycle
ME: *gliding past on heelys* Do you need anything from me?
If dogs can eat raw chicken, so can I.
– dead people
Why didn’t Dorothy tell the Cowardly Lion about liquid courage?
robbers: [leaving with my tv]
me: WAIT
robbers:
me: can you close the door
You know Santa isn’t real because no man over 40 is out past 9PM.
Hot singles are in your area!
Hot singles are on your block!
Hot singles are in your house!
Hot singles are here to kill you!
There are two types of people:
-Those who have a nice stockpile of toilet paper, Purell, hand soap, frozen foods, and canned goods
-Those who plan on facing the apocalypse with nothing but a bottle of whiskey and their wits
One of the most unexpected results of my extended sobriety is that I’m still clumsy as hell.
Save money on Christmas presents by telling the kids that Santa’s got to work from home this year
Casting agent: If we hire you at SNL what would you like to accomplish?
Me: Staying up past 10:00.
I called it a “housewarming party”. The District Attorney called it “aggravated arson”. Semantics.
Why ruin a perfectly good shovel when you can just use your leg?
A recent study by UN has found dexter to be the no 1 cause for ocean pollution