Whomever came up with the saying “Make love not war” was obviously not married.
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Wife’s asleep, so while watching TV I apologized to her corner spot on the sofa, for opening the bag of chips during key scenes
{my first day as a football announcer}
wow those guys really want that coconut there must be a genie inside.
Me: I cleaned under the fridge and there were a bunch of Honey Nut Cheerios
Wife: How do you know they weren’t regular Cheerios???
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: *drinks water*
A couple: *kissing in public*
Me: *perched in a nearby tree* Booooo
[first day as producer]
superstar rapper: THAT’S THE 87TH TIME YOU’VE STOPPED ME
me: *tapping swear jar with pencil*
Ruin a Tolstoy novel by changing 587287 words
BREAKING: Jennifer Lawrence taking 2-year break from acting.
Vin Diesel is also taking a break from acting, but will keep making movies.
Do you know how fast you were going sir?
“15,000mph?”
Wha? No,like 65?
“Seems pretty slow wouldn’t you say?”
I guess so.
“Ok bye”
bye?
If ever a burglar entered my house, I take comfort in knowing they’d never get past the 17 pairs of shoes in the hallway.
me: [receives unexpected money] omg i can’t wait to finally get stuff i’ve wanted
my house: what’s this about extra money?
Boss: Why do you need to leave work early?
Me: Bro, I’m straight up not having a good time.
You know you’re an Alcoholic when you can’t even say the word “sober” without making air quotes
I can’t get her off my mind, even the wind seems to whisper her name. Never fall in love with a girl named WHOOSHEE FFREWERRREFSHH.
Her: Have you seen my glue gun?
Me: *Eating popcorn chicken right off a cob* No.
We are gathered here today because Somebody “glares at coffin ” couldn’t stay alive.
Skating rink, hockey rink, curling rink… Who decided “rink” could only mean an ice arena?? “Hey, I’m heading down to the hairdressing rink then swinging by the cheese rink after, see ya”
Every time I swallow food coloring, I dye a little bit on the inside.
[at a loud bar]
HIM: [yelling] DO U HAVE ANY PLANS AFTER THIS?
HER: [also yelling] YES I DO ACTUALLY HAVE PLANTS THAT I KISS
The very first thing I think of doing when I buy a new electrical appliance is immersing it in water so I’m really glad the instructions warn against that.
Twitter is like the tenth time you’ve opened the fridge and there still isn’t anything good in it.
I’m getting $875,000 back on my tax return. I recommend everyone do their own like I do.
Does it make you an acrobat if you get suspended from the chandelier by your drawers after falling over the 2nd floor railing?
Age is just a number in the same way that a killer whale is just a fish.
Well well well…
I just play poker so I can say I’m going all in without smirking.
Me: [dies in the living room]
Dad: He never liked following directions
BROTHER: The Godfather is on? That’s not very Thanksgiving-y.
ME: Well, it’s about family…
him: *on one knee*
me: you disrespectful piece of–
I’m following around cop cars all day to let them know how it feels.