we’re dead?
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Apparently, starting an impromptu game of leap frog with somebody bending over to tie their shoe is considered rude.
Church is boring.
*does the Dirty Dancing lift with a slab of ribs*
I got fired from being the events coordinator at the local orphanage. I think it’s cause family day never really took off
Congratulations to the people who never took their Christmas decorations down you’re almost there
Honestly son, that nightlight just makes it easier for the monsters to find you.
It’s ok to not have a Valentine on Valentine’s Day. I didn’t have a groundhog on Groundhog’s Day
PMS: I’m sorry.
ME: Why? It’s a good day.
PMS: Wait for it.
ME: [2 secs later] DID MY PARENTS REALLY TAKE MY DOG TO A FARM WHEN I WAS 5?!
Why’d they call it an “aquarium” instead of a “Here fish-see fish-see”
I’ve never met a pizza I didn’t want to get personal with.
The cat knocked over my coffee in the home office this morning and I’ve reported her to HR. In other news, HR has hired my cat.
You’ve reached voicemail of [Jim], leave a message.
“Hi it’s the library. The book ‘How to Steal Library Books’ is now 1 week over…UH OH”
THIS IS THE POLICE.
COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP.“Wrong house guys.”
ARE YOU SURE ABOUT THAT?
“Yup, happens a lot.”
OKAY COOL, SORRY.
My phone: Would you like to save this password?
Me: I NEED TO KNOW IF IT WORKED FIRST AND YOU’RE IN MY WAY!!!
i saw someone say on facebook once, very seriously, that irish dancing was invented as a form of resistance against the english so the irish could be hiding behind bushes and the english wouldn’t be able to see that they were dancing with their legs.
Me: *rips pants bending over*
Toddler: Daddy! You’re so strong! You ripped your clothes like Hulk!
Me: Uh. Yep. That’s me. Same thing. Just like the Hulk. Indistinguishable.
Toddler: *proudly tells everyone I’m like the Hulk because I rip my pants all the time*
Me: *dies*
[documentary on bees]
“the reason why we’re filming the bees twenty miles away using the world’s longest super zoom camera is because of the bees”
“LMAO WHO DID THIS” — me as a homicide detective
I hate when you get all excited bc someone says they had a dream about you and then you find out you were just there holding a clipboard
My kids never finish their dinner because they’re saving room for bath water.
Me: My world is suddenly reduced to a few hundred square feet of space.
Hamster: Poor baby.
Me: I have a paper cut.
Universe: Excellent. I will send you an unusually high number of encounters with citrus fruit.
Me :
All Day At Night
When asked if I was good with my hands I said “sure, I guess, but sometimes i’m naughty with them too”
Check your privilege
I just saw the movie “A star is born” and if you think it’s about the solar system you will probably be as mad as I am rn
I believe this to be the best photograph of a dog ever taken in human history.
“Who took my good screwdriver?”
-Every dad ever
therapist: a lot of my clients are feeling that way right now
me: ok rank us