Her: It would really mean a lot to my mother if you came
Me *pulling out*: I know she wants grandkids but we’re not ready
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I feel melancoll, meloncholl, melancholl, meloncholy, you know what, I’m good.
It’s wasteful to have a new Doctor Who, a new James Bond, and a new Willy Wonka. They should be amalgamated into a single character called Doctor Bwonka.
My kid just put me in time out and I was just like oh no, I better think real hard about what I’ve done and take a nap
Wrong hole.
Wrong hole.
Wrong hole.
Wrong hole.
-trying to put on my distressed denim jeans
😜
Hey “La La Land” remember when you gave us that fake happy ending and then took it away
How’s it feel
Any grown man whose mustache is a different color than his head hair is automatically qualified to be the conductor of a magical train.
Me: i’ll have a Dr.Pepper
Waiter: is Mr.Pibb ok?
Me: is he a doctor?
me, age 7: I want to be an adult so I can eat as many pickles as I want
me, age 30, eating pickles: haha hell yeah
RT if you know someone like this!!!
I wonder how many tragedies I’ve prevented by standing nearby with my hands on my hips saying “Be careful!”
*tries to take off date’s bra*
If you-
*tries again*
If-
*again*
If you would take off the hulk gloves this would be easier
*looks up*
NEVER
BOSS: Wow you made a killing on your first day
ME: Thanks boss!
BOSS: *puts hand on my shoulder* that’s bad for a surgeon
everyone has that one prude friend
[interview after finishing last in the olympics]
do you regret saying “I could win this race wearing flip flops”
[pulls mic close] yes
“Welcome to Panda Express”
“I’d like one panda”
“Sorry we don’t sell pand-”
*slips cashier $100*
“Meet me in the back alley in ten minutes”
Hey can someone tell CNN about snakes?
ME: [blowing on ouchie] That’s better
SURGEON: How did you get in here
Doctor: You’re gonna lose that eye.
Me: That’s HORRIBLE!
D: You need to be optimistic.
M: HOW?!?
D: Think of it as ‘your glasses half full’.
Done with work today.
The work day isn’t over, I’m just done with it
Mayonnaise is cum. When you put it on a sandwich, you’re spreading cum on your bread. When you ask for it on a burger, you ordered cum.
Cardio? Is that in Spain?
To tell the difference between an African and an Indian elephant, you look at its ears, then lift one up and shout “WHERE ARE YOU FROM M8?”
toothpaste ads are like do you want your teeth to look so good it makes your friends feel like shit? and ppl be like hell yeah i do
What a shocker.
I just ran my car through the car wash.
And it turns out the car is white.
How to have sexy legs:
*Do lots of squats
*Go running 3x a week
*Point a spotlight at your favorite leg
*Shave leg hair into classy leg goatee
*Make sure your legs go all the way up
*You can never have too many toes
*Refrigerate legs when not in use
*Wheels
I just released my own fragrance.
Now everyone in the car is pissed off.
They did not think through this water fountain