Haha no i do not care what people think of me. Why what have u heard tell me everything right now
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BRUCE LEE: Be formless, shapeless, like water.
HARPER LEE: Things are never as bad as they seem.
PARSLEY: I am a stalk vegetable.
Her: Have you seen the salsa?
Me: Yes. I must have left it in the bathroom
Her:
Just took my 3 dogs to the vet, so the family will be feasting on ramen noodles, beans, and no name chips for the next few months. At least the dogs are taken care of.
Yeah I can fight, I’m professionally trained in the style of panic attack.
If microbiologists are so smart then how did they end up so tiny?
God created the orgasm so women can moan even when they’re happy.
Not to victim-blame, but maybe Bruce Wayne’s father shouldn’t have brought his wife and 8 yr old son to a place called Crime Alley.
I never rule out murder as the crime, even when it’s jaywalking.
I would actually consider watching The Bachelor if one of the girls was a Praying Mantis.
@funTweeters “Bird Box 2” 2019. Rated:R. Run time: 6 minutes 11 seconds. Plot: Nightmarish aliens who invaded Earth and have killed, or forced into hiding, most of the population commit mass suicide after encountering the one force they didn’t count on…Chuck Norris.
My girl knows I’d never cheat on her because she would need to arrange it and remind me 37 times so I don’t forget
me: i’m in love with you
therapist: *buzzes secretary* cancel my 10 o’clock
me: but I’m your 10 o’clock
[leaving a party]
GF (holding 2 identical jackets): which one is yours
ME: whichever one has a pancake in the pocket
“Jessica wasn’t usually dead. So when we found her dead we immediately knew something was wrong.”
-Investigation Discovery
I’m not intimidated by a pretty woman.
I’m intimidated by smart women, who happen to be pretty.
Congrats to my tween for graduating at the top of his class from eye roll university.
My children wanted to play neighbours and are very upset that I called the cops to report them for trespassing
I’m going to quit the strongman competition I’m in. I put in my too weak notice
She looks at me with those come hither eyes & I’m over here frantically flipping thru a dictionary trying to figure out what “hither” means.
Me: *buys a blue chair online*
Internet: check out these 16 similar blue chairs since you obv collect blue chairs
sure recipes like “marry me chicken” are cute but where’s the “it’s your turn to clean the bathroom casserole”
Guy who’s never heard of drugs before: “Take an edible”? Dude, just say you ate some food. Sheesh
If you ever hear me tell another mom to enjoy her young children because “it goes so fast” remind me to punch myself in the face
Airlines when they need to change your flight: here’s a complimentary napkin
Airlines when you need to change your flight: that’ll be $8700.
I don’t mean to brag but I’ve perfected the confused look whenever my credit cards get declined
Responding to an email with a question that was literally answered in the previous email should be reason enough to report someone to HR
[Job Interview]
HR : What do you consider your biggest weakness?
Me : (pulls out machete) *whispers under my breath “I can’t forgive people”
prisoner 1: what are you in for?
prisoner 2: murder
prisoner 3: arson
hamburglar: alright well it feels stupid now
6 year old: Mommy, take a picture of me and post it on Amazon.
Don’t tempt me kid.
Ruin a Tolstoy novel by changing 587287 words