Dance like your kid isn’t secretly making a TikTok to humiliate you.
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Bad News: One of the side effects of your medication is death.
Good News: Death pretty much cures anything.
Some parents sing the Clean Up song, but I just yell “I’m getting garbage bags you better hope you can pick up your toys faster than I can!”
Next episode of Why are Customers So Annoying
Dear Impatient Customer,
If you call someone and get their voicemail, calling me to transfer you will not make them answer when I’m transferring you to the same number you just called 5 seconds ago.
What he says: Ya know, your mom is actually right.
What I hear: So, you have chosen death.
Guy at the cake shop: So is this for a friend?
Me: No, it’s for me.
Apparently it’s weird that I’ve had 9 birthdays this year.
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc u hate ventriloquism
HER: yes
BUNNY: [quietly] don’t let her see u cry
dentist: it’s important that you don’t scratch your enamel. understand?
me: yes
dentist: great. now open wide so i can claw your teeth with these steel hooks
A Peeping Tom was hospitalized after falling out of a tree. Appropriately in the ICU.
If I wear a wizard hat and robe to my cousin’s wedding this weekend, I bet no one asks me if I’m next.
[at sperm bank]
“Do you have anything on clearance?”
Surfing is a good choice for people who like skateboarding but wish it had more sharks.
Me: What do you think of your haircut?
Wife: I need more volume
Me: WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR HAIRCUT?
Art Teacher: your drawings are due tomorrow
me: [hours later] maybe add in some grapes
police sketch artist: ..a bowl of fruit attacked you?
Umbrellas are cool because they keep 8% of you dry AND give you a big soggy stick to carry around all day!
Why aren’t the people in old timey photos ever smiling? Because they were in constant danger of getting eaten by dinosaurs. READ A BOOK.
me: please don’t be mad
getaway driver: what’s wrong
me(left the money in the bank): nothing let’s go
Keeping a very sharp knife next to my bed in case a burglar breaks in and wants sashimi
Pamela Anderson attends a function make up free and is hailed bold and brave. I do it and get holy water and a crucifix thrown at me!!
Hell hath no fury like a woman who ALREADY TOLD YOU WHERE THE SCISSORS ARE
Don’t let herpes become yourpes.
Free him
Leo: Your natural selfishness will play to your advantage today when you spot a donut in the hands of a child you could easily overpower.
You’re not respected until you’ve been led away from a buffet by police.
I got arrested for punching a mime and the judge sentenced me to six months of community theater
No one cares about a firm handshake anymore. Now a slice of ham in your palm…that’s confidence.
*watches The Matrix and just gets increasingly annoyed at how unrealistic it is for Trinity and Neo to wear sunglasses inside*
[Watching Netflix]
ME: Ohhhhh…I never thought about paying off a funeral home to get rid of the body…genius.
HIM: What??
ME: What?
Husband: No stubble? Did you finally shave your legs?
Me: No. I grew it out so you’d stop complaining about the stubble.
Back in 2012 my wife & I were the victims of a horrific & terrifying home invasion that left us mentally scarred & unable to sleep. But our daughter’s 5 now & we’ve actually grown quite fond of her.
Me: Why can’t we feed the animals?
Wife: They’ll get lazy and dependent and never, ever go away.
Me: *looks warily at our kids*