It is NOT acceptable to lift up the back of a woman’s shirt to look at her lower back tattoo, even if you’re at Walmart… I know that now
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just saw hunger games and woah, when did all that stuff happen? so messed up dude
getting carded isn’t cute anymore. look at my face buddy we both know i’m not here to have fun. hand over the substances
Neil Patrick Harris couldn’t host a tapeworm without a musical number. #Emmys
He was rare. Like my car without any warning lights on
At least broken people are interesting. You can’t fix boring.
My kids made a mixture of snow, corn chex, chocolate chips, and apple slices on the kitchen floor so now I need a new house
Anyone who believes in cyber-bullying is a huge pussy.
[First day as a crime scene photographer]
Detective: please stop telling the corpse to “work it”
doctor: your parents were in a car accident
me: how are they?
doctor: they’re critical
me: I meant medically
SON: What’s a sex tape?
ME: Er well when er a man & a woman have er intercourse they
S: No
M: No?
S: Dad. I know what sex is. What’s a tape?
Dating Tip:
Surprise the woman you are courting with a bouquet of cats
12yo: can I play video games?
Me: no, come chat with me
12yo: ok what’s corp? The boys were talking about “corn with a p” at school
Me: go play video games
Me: WOW. Look at those legs!
Her: Thank you.
M: They’d look great around my neck!
H: Hey!
M: Wish I’d brought my saw.
H: WHAT?!?
M: Nothing.
Me: *Puts up fake Halloween cob webs*
Spider who just woke up from a night of drinking: What the f
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with a hairless cat.
Welcome to your 40s, the kiddos finally let you sleep in but your bladder won’t allow it.
Friend: Bro, those were sick fireworks! Sorry about your eye, but I think the ER may be busy.
Me: No worries, my wife made reservations.
At some point in your life people stopped getting excited when you finished all the food on your plate.
[on the phone]
Me: *whispers* I think my CW knows I’m high.
CW: You know you’re talking to a banana right?
Cop: so you went out to pick up some fruit when, out of nowhere, 3 ghosts attacked you?
Pac-man [wipes tears]: 4. It was 4 ghosts
My “Pi” tattoo is taking longer than I thought
My neighbor bought a fancy ride-on mower for a quarter-acre backyard. That’s like buying a motorcycle you only ride to the mailbox.
ME: I have a few openings today and can probably squeeze you in
PROCTOLOGIST BOSS: haha nice
ME: what
PROCTOLOGIST BOSS: ugh nothing
This is my emotional support knife.
Me: there’s a swarm of beets outside
Her: you mean bees?
[loud thud on the window]
Me: get the gun
Anyone who wants to learn how to be humble, feel free to talk to me. There’s nothing like learning from the best.
Good: The sweet sound of my child’s laugh
Bad: at 4 AM.
i actually laughed 😩
cop pulling me over: whoa whoa, where are you off to in such a hurry
me: some of your colleagues are chasing me
What idiot called it the “number of Police Officers in the Precinct” and not the “Copulation”