Elmo: Elmo says this just him coping
Oscar: I don’t care, it’s morbid and- oh hey Bert
Bert: Ahem *nods to jar under arm*
Oscar: Hey Urn-ie
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I fold my laundry just like everyone else. About 3 weeks after the dryer buzzes.
Please stop telling dirty jokes at the office. It’s inappropriate, and you’re talking too softly for me to hear the punchlines.
*God, watching me lying in bed while eating a pile of doritos I spilled on my chest*
probably could’ve just made that one a mollusk
Whenever I have to fix a hole in any wall I always hide a realistically drawn but totally fake treasure map in there first.
Age 8: Flinging myself off the swings at high speed onto a concrete floor, bouncing up instantly and laughing before bounding away like a gazelle.
Age 48: Raising my eyebrows in a slightly more robust way than usual and fracturing my skull.
As there aren’t any female leprechauns, where do leprechauns come from
~ something to ponder every St Patrick’s Day
Annual shout out to my mom, who said she wanted a small filing cabinet for mother’s day when working on her dissertation. My dad got her a microwave. For two weeks she left several manila folders in it and wouldn’t let anyone use it — until my dad procured a filing cabinet.
Interviewer: says here you have been roofing your entire life
Dog: that is correct
Huh, this is a first
Never had an ambulance follow me to the gym before
They must know
It went from “Oh, you guys really want to get to know your mom” to “Why are you asking me all these questions?” to “Which of my accounts are you trying to get into?”
I’ve spent 8 hours cleaning my house!! Keep in mind that this is over a period of 25 years, but still.
Lost in the desert, you scan the horizon with your device. To the east, you see the leaning tower of Pisa. To the west, you see the familiar pillars of Stonehenge. That’s when you realize you should have brought binoculars instead of a Viewmaster.
[everyone in the STI clinic glaring at my Pokemon shirt]
“No no it means like, I want to catch all the Pokemon”
doctor: the good news is you’re dying
me: how is that good news??
doctor: i don’t like you
God: you’re an amphibian.
Frog: what does that mean?
God: it means you can breathe on land and in the water.
Frog: omg you mean I’m a mermaid?
God: no that’s not what I-
Frog: [whispers] I’m the littlest mermaid.
Me: “Are you even listening to me?”
My son:
Someone being big spoon for me is not enough. I need to get ladled.
At the polling station. Bodes well for Labour – loads of young people here. Or I might possibly be at the wrong primary school.
judge: do u plead innocent or guilty?
me: I do
[Sunday]
God: Finally a day of rest. I could really use a chicken sandwich and a milkshake.
*walks up to Chick-fil-A*
OH COME ON!!
God [returning from 200 year vacation] who touched the thermostat?
homeless guy said “hey there pretty lady, show me that smile, where’s that smile?” and I said “it’s at my house”
me: ok so imagine if you were a horse—
my sister: bold of you to assume i’m not, but continue
New birthdays:
•Januartly 34rd
•Marfch 0th
•Dechumpert 4rf
•Septurble 6rd-16nd (lengthy birth)
•Flethfluary 14st (Valentront’s Day!)
•6th
[1st date]
HER: I’m such a nerd! I love when a guy talks sciency
HIM: Oh haha [to waiter] A salad with umm *sweating* kilo-island dressing
The repair guy is showing me broken parts from my dryer, and he might as well be showing my dog a wine list
The movie “Up” could never have been filmed today…
Day 70 without sex my doctor asked me “are you sexually active” I said why whachu tryna do.
When you haven’t shaved in a while and your leg hairs sway better in the breeze than your neighbour’s stupid windchime
I still have made very little progress towards my life goal of being sawed in half by a magician