Convince neighbours you’re shrinking by walking past their window with progressively larger jars of hellmann’s mayonnaise.
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Love that ‘beat the number’ electronic sign speed game!
So fun when the officer celebrates your high score with the lights & a certificate!
Oh, you like Five Guys hamburgers more than In-N-Out?
*unfollows
*blocks
*stews
*hires assassin on Craigslist
*unblocks to monitor situation
I hate handshakes. The bones really mess up the blender and the knuckles are hard to swallow.
i physically cannot make a spotify playlist without adding every song i’ve ever liked. i’ll start one called “sad :(” and it’ll end up with temperature by sean paul on it
Don’t call me a pessimist. Call me a cynic. A cynic sounds smarter.
Them: Sex without marriage is a sin.
Me: Well, technically, I am married, just not to him.
Google reviews are always so mixed..
A woman rammed her grocery cart into mine and didn’t apologize, so I followed her around the store and took things out of her cart when she wasn’t looking.
When one door closes, a child soon appears, knocking, asking for a snack.
[bedtime]
Me: What’s in vegetable oil?
Daughter: Vegetables
M: And olive oil?
D: Olives
M: And baby oil?
D:
*I turn out the lights and leave
According to this box of spaghetti I am an Italian family of 8
Hey,dogs barking, we get it: At the core of existence dwells an unspeakable malaise.
We are the people our parents warned us about.
PRO TIP:
Take all those used candy wrappers, put them in a paper towel, squish it into a ball, and then throw it away.That way, your kids won’t know you ate 20 candy bars before any trick or treaters showed up.
Hour 43 no smoking:
-No one is dead.
-Colors are more vivid.
-Country music makes sense.
-I’d suck a fart if it contained nicotine.
My wife said “You only love me because my father left me a million pounds.”
“That’s not true, I’d still love you whoever left it to you”
If a shark is ever attacking me I’m gonna be like where are your parents do they know you act like this
People who go jogging, you realise we have cars now, right?
My kid fell asleep in the car holding his half-eaten donut, so I did the responsible thing and finished it for him
Breaking news:
I wanna get HAMMERED tonight.
Seriously?
Yeah, drunk as hell, bro.
Riiight. Of course, of course. *quietly slides hammer back into sleeve*
This body wash smells like a smoothie !!!
This body wash does not taste like a smoothie !!!
the boston alphabet is only 25 letters because they threw the t in the harbor
I saw an Indian asleep on the train, noticed the little red dot on his forehead, and thought, “Is he on standby?”
[Gym]
Hello ladies, and welcome to Body By Jake!
Me: “Jake?” *i discreetly shove the cake I brought into my bag & back out of the room*
Dating a guy with big hands is the best, at any time I can say “Babe, can you hold these 72 doll heads?”
And he can, he can hold them all.
Wanna make a boyfriend? Choose someone who’s still playing Wordle. He’ll never leave you.
Someone is selling a rot iron table on Craigslist ..wonder If they would trade for a dictionary
Boys will tell you “wow you sound like an Angel” and you’ll be blushing like werey. Instead of asking him when he don hear Angel voice before