When did kale arrive? 2007? Must’ve come via spaceship. I had never heard of it in my life. And then suddenly, it was everywhere. It had hearty advocates; & it had many, many detractors. How does a thing, kale, go from not existing to being ubiquitous? Spaceships. Only answer.
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Marriage and prison are pretty much the same except in prison. sex with multiple partners is guilt free.
Receptionist: “The doctor will see you now.”
Invisible Man: “Finally, a cure!”
I accidentally texted my husband “last dinner” instead of “late dinner” and now he won’t come home
Mommy what’s an “Act of God?”
Me: *Flashback to my CrossFit trainer* Well dear, an “active god” is in his mid-20s and has a smokin hot body
I married a smart, funny, handsome accountant, but let’s be honest, mostly I was hoping to never have to do math again.
Boss: Did you get my email?
Me: Yes. It had italics, all-caps, and highlighting and I had no idea how to prioritize that information.
Cop:” So you confess to striking the victim with I must say, rather impressive moves.”
Me: “Mr Miyagi is my Sensai.”
Cop:”It is still considered assault though.”
Me:”It was self-defense, Sir!”
Mr Miyagi: “Anna San, they were smacking their lips and slurping on their salad.”
Me: why did Dexter from Dexter’s lab have a French accent?
Professor: I meant science questions
Me: my bad. Scientifically, why did Dexter have a French accent?
Whenever I see a dog in a movie, none of the rest of the movie makes sense.
Why are you dealing with all this conflict and drama?
WHY AREN’T YOU AT HOME WITH YOUR DOG??
☠️☠️☠️
I’m stuck in a meeting where a guy keeps saying “utilize” and “leverage” and I’m wondering if I should tell him about the word “use”.
Don’t put all my eggs in one basket? Nice try, basket industry, I’m onto your marketing scam… #EasterBaskets
“I love it when we finish each other.”
“You mean: other’s sentences?”
“No.”
*fashions codpiece out of grilled cheese sandwich*
Wife: it’s still NO!
My baby reminds me of Freddy Kruger: he’s got long, sharp fingernails, is most terrifying at night, and forces you to survive on no sleep.
I retweeted my boss to let her know that I know she’s tweeting during the meeting.
Don’t check on your introverted friends this time of year. They’re probably turning their lights off and pretending they’re not home
So grateful for pillows. My head works hard, it deserves its own widdle bed.
Does the 5 second rule apply when you accidentally say “I love you” during sex?
Mom texted that she’s enjoying a no tech day, and I think it may be time to explain some things to her.
“that’s why they pay me the medium bucks” always kills in meetings. that’s free for you to use any time you want, buddy. little gift from me to you
On vacation, I ask the concierge to stand outside the shower and ask me random questions so I can feel right at home.
Got kicked out of my motorcycle gang again for trying to sell essential oils
shoutout to everyone trying to look busy instead of working the final hours before a holiday weekend
Roadside Assistance: how can i help you
Englishman: *remembers he’s in America* i have an apartment tire
OMG my brother in law, the gift that never stops giving, was tired of being sent to get rice every day so he decided buy in bulk, talked to the shop about it, wires got crossed, now there is a literal TRUCK FILLED WITH RICE outside the house and my sister is losing her shit lmfao
My subconscious wants Thai food but my inner goddess wants pizza.
Sign at The Vatican says ladies should respectfully have their shoulders and knees covered. Turns out they mean everything inbetween as well
Apparently my boss wasn’t too happy with my performance during his trust fall.
I trusted him to fall, he hit the floor, I applauded. Not sure what the problem was, tbh.