When someone disagrees with you online & demands you prove your point to their satisfaction by writing a logically sound defense, u can save a lot of time by not doing that.
Dude, I’ve known u for ten seconds & enjoyed none of them, I’m not taking homework assignments from you.
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‘A 12 year old invented an app….No pressure though.’
(Me to my kids)
“any ideas?”
let’s tie a bunch of helium balloons together & then hold onto the strings
“whoa whoa whoa, let’s not get carried away”
Avril: I want a divorce. You aren’t a sk8er boi. So see ya later boi.
Chad: This is how you remind me of what I really am?!
I hate when people tell plus size girls they can’t “pull something off” like honey I’m trying to buy white jeans not steal the Declaration of Independence
I just spent the day painting our fence. All I know is tomorrow I better be able to do karate.
A person on this website accused me of writing “a thousand bad jokes” and I was like wow that’s a weird way to say you like 7000 of my jokes
“you changed, bro” yeah no shit i’m a cockroach. please help me out of bed
“How’s your day going?”
CEOs: we are closed, nobody wants to work anymore
also CEOs:
ME: Close your eyes, I got you a birthday present.
SPOUSE: *closes eyes* Oh?
ME: Remember how you told me you love Daft Punk?
SPOUSE: No. I said I’d love for you to stop listening to Daft Punk in the car.
ME: *nervously* Oh
*Daft Punk slowly rises from behind the couch*
♫Whip me up, Before you Nae Nae
Don’t leave me hanging on like a Bae Bae♫
I’m trying out a new email sign off. I’ve replaced “Best,” with “I bequeath to you an unspecified curse,”
Today is “bring your dog to work day”. I thought it was “bring your dawg to work day”. So now DeShaun has to leave. Sorry dawg
Alanis: I’m ready for this knife fight!
*Pulls out 10000 spoons*
Sorry I’m late, I was untangling my AirPods.
Serena Williams just thanked Me! You’re welcome, Serena! That’s what I do all day! Decide the winner of women’s tennis matches!!!
Moola better be the only form of currency at a cattle auction.
Don’t mistake my kindness for weakness. Sweating and panting while trying to open this Amazon package, however…
Dear BJ’s,
Either your employees are very rude…
Or, the name of your store is terribly misleading.Sincerely,
An ‘Unsatisfied’ Customer
The Assassin.
Named my hamster Spam so when he dies I can bury him in a little tin coffin with his name on it.
Between toilet paper and forest fires, bears have a lot of responsibilities.
Irregardless, for all intensive purposes, I could care less.
Toby Keith playing a men-only concert in Saudi Arabia is historic. It’s the 1st time being a woman in Saudi Arabia is a benefit.
Are you ok?
– my 6yo watching me put the sheets on her bunk bed.
He said there was no spark between us, so I tazed him. I’ll ask again when he wakes up.
I tried being a Disney Princess but them damn budgies keep loading the dishwasher wrong
dog: i have to pee
me: for real?
dog: yeah i gotta go
me: alright *lets dog out*
dog: *barks for 10 straight minutes*
me: *lets dog back in*
[5 minutes later]
dog: lol you’re not gonna believe this
me: you have to pee
dog: i have to pee lol
It wasn’t until an old man yelled BINGO that Nana realized what a horrible mistake it was to bring her pit bull Bingo to the bingo hall…