Top killers of kids in the ’50s.
1. Abandoned refrigerators
2. Failure to duck and cover
3. Tasty lead paint
4. Playing around at the dinner table
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i’m taking care of a guys owl next week and he just sent me this list of rules. what the hell
me: hit me, daddy
poker dealer: don’t call me that
French toast is just bread that bathes in milk like some pampered Egyptian queen.
*both typing*
5:02pm
you: babe i love you5:02pm
me: do you think shark pee is what makes the ocean salty
I haven’t swam competitively since I was a sperm.
Jesus probably figured things out when everyone kept calling it the Last Supper.
What’s it called when you wake up and have to delete 73% of your tweets from last night. Alcohol, it’s called alcohol.
*forgets to bring grocery list to the store*
I can handle this…
*comes home with cheese and bath salts*
Nailed it.
The sole purpose of a potato masher is to prevent you from opening a drawer.
2025: The piñatas have become sentient. Children beaten mercilessly w/ sticks. Mariachi music everywhere.
[me, watching sports] ah yes, go ball
Me: So excited for the weekend!
Predatory alien in disguise: Same here! Sooo easy to catch, right
M: Huh
P: The weakened
M: What
P: What
*holds flashlight up to face*
When I was a kid we only had one uncoated pain reliever that started dissolving the second it hit your tongue.
*3 millennials faint, 2 vomit*
Customer: is it 4 wheel drive?
Me [counting the wheels]: yeah
Customer: no like can it go off-road?
Me [looking around showroom]: well yeah
Oh, you’ve got 99 problems?
Amateur.
I just got catcalled by a construction worker. He said “hey hEY HEY THAT CEMENT ISNT DRY YET” I’m tired of being harassed like this.
*orders expensive cat bed*
*waits 5 weeks for overseas shipping*
*watches the cat ignore it for 6 months*
*finally throws it, defeated, on top of the wardrobe*
Make someone’s head explode by accusing them of being in denial, then nodding condescendingly as they try to deny it.
Real Estate Agent: We’re here for your routine inspection. You have to let us in.
Me (hosing down the inside of the house): One moment.
I know a horrible idea when I see it.
I thought there would be a lot more happiness and sun in “The Shining.”
“Be nice to everyone…
You never know who might have a pool.”
-Mahatma Gandhi
Just played that Facebook game where an app tells you what state you’re best suited to be in and I was disappointed it didn’t say unconscious.
I hate to brag but strangers were spraying me with Lysol before this all started.
I told 9 to eat the ice cream straight out of the container, because I’m teaching her basic life skills.
scary then: a phone call came from inside the house
scary now: a phone call
*plays Eye of the Tiger*
*starts runni…*
*yeah, screw this*
911 I JUST SAW TWO TRANSFORMERS FIGHTING
“Mr Bay, please stop doing this every time you see a car crash”
ever since i put all my eggs in one basket i have received unsolicited egg advice, you dont know my life, you dont know what im all about
Hollywood hasn’t remade Spiderman in a couple weeks. I hope they’re okay.