what’s wrong son?
that kid said he’s cooler than me
what? impossible. what kid?
*in my head im like don’t be the kid with pegs on his bike*
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“no” – me after being asked by the joker if i wanted to know how he got his scars
One day, thousands of years from now, archaeologists will dig up my dead body and be like, “She’s been lying on top of the remote this entire time.”
HARRY POTTER: 🙁
DUMBLEDORE: 🙁
VOLDEMORT: : (
Even autocorrect has no idea where I’m going with this.
Girls complain about guys using them for sex, but sex is awesome! Start bitching when he uses you for laundry, or as a human shield.
12 was not amused when I made the comment of how good ‘we’ did on candy tonight
The Amazon algorithm? More like a buyological weapon, amirite?!
*getting murdered*
WAIT!!!!!!!
*buys new underwear and put them on.*
*flosses*
*sets phone on fire*Okay, proceed.
Husband: Should we hit the gym today?
Me: *drawing pumpkin eyes with a Sharpie on my stomach* What?
The Princess and the Pea
except it’s a rogue hair on the inside of my shirt driving me crazy all day
Remember being a kid and looking up to adults because you thought they were smart?
LOL
When gathering all the laundry I tend to find other items that have been missing for a while.
I just don’t remember how this frying pan got in between the couch cushions.
How come no one in a zombie movie has ever seen a zombie movie
How to be a politician 101:
Answer all yes/no questions with the words “Well, look” and then answer a completely different question.
Me: [buckling 3yo into car seat] You can’t have a popsicle in the car. You’ll get messy and sticky.
3yo: *ear-shattering screams*
Me: Good point. How many do you want?
Ever since my boss discovered my Twitter account, these drug tests are seeming a lot less ‘random’.
*accidentally summons malevolent demon at a séance*
I WILL HAUNT YOUR HOME FOREVER!
[4 days later]
YOU KNOW, YOU COULD CLEAN UP OCCASIONALLY
dad: Hand me that Phillips screwdriver
me: *looking*
dad: Isn’t that a Phillips beside you?
me: It says “Craftsman”
dad:
me: Are you crying?
I accidentally caught my nuts in a barbed wire fence and now I’m the frontman of a Maroon 5 cover band.
*warming hands near fire* In my day, we were tough. It would take you so long to get undressed after coming indoors that it was time to go out again. People lost hours, days. Some died mid-layer.
The airport is a lawless place. 7am? Drink a beer. Tired? Sleep on the floor. Hungry? Chips now cost $17
me: [comes running down the stairs with a baseball glove]
robber: why are u wearing a glove
me: I meant to grab my bat lol
robber: lol
So bored I just logged into my LinkedIn account.
Sorry you saw that piece of corn but I tried flushing five times and it just wouldn’t go down.
Canadians: Maybe they’re born with it, maybe it’s maple leaf.
Why it’s called a cellular membrane and not a gene-jacket I’ve no idea.
It has been literally hours and I’m still laughing out loud every time I think about this
Me: I like the funny horse cartoon
Bojack: you inherit your parents’ trauma but you will never fully understand it
Me: haha the cops a cat
Roses are red, I stole them from the neighbor’s garden.
~poetry