Bacon causes cancer.
Canadian bacon apologizes.
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I yell at my kids to hurry up and then spend 10 minutes searching for a sweatshirt that I’m holding.
I didn’t realise until today’s walk around Peebles that I could have a favourite road sign.
Hasbulla scolds a kid for pinching his cheek 😭😭😭
Good morning to everyone except people that sit right beside me when there are lots of other seats open.
Interviewer: describe yourself
Me: Me? Personally, I’m a personable person
It’s incredible how fast toddlers move. I had my eyes on my 1yo and looked away for 30 seconds and now I need to pick her up at the airport.
So no pizza place on Ninja Turtles ever questioned the delivery address being “The Sewer”
A couple of years ago, I convinced my son I don’t know how to clap. He’s been trying to teach me ever since. I’m hoping I can keep this going til I stand up and slow clap during his high school graduation
You can’t hurt me. You’re not a restaurant who ran out of garlic bread
I save my pooping for when I’m at work so I can say “I can’t believe I get paid for this shit!”
I went out last night and my husband put the 3yo and the baby to bed by himself, which neither of us has done alone yet. I got home and everyone was asleep and he was so calm, and I was like “Wow I’m so glad it well went!” and he was like “oh no, it went terribly.” 😂
every year on my birthday i take a bite out of this windowsill bc i get so excited
Being a spider has got to be pretty stressful because anything bigger than you is either going to run away screaming or murder you immediately.
At my age, if the wife wants to have fun, scrabble is coming out.
Stop talking trash about marine life!
Sharks are POWERFUL
Whales are GENTLE
Crabs are RESOURCEFUL
Jellyfish are PEACEFUL
Dolphins
Octopi are VERY SMART
{Date}
ME: I have to warn you, I’m the jealous type
WAITER: What would you folks like?
HER: I’ll have the s-
ME: WHO THE HELL IS THIS GUY?!?
If it turns cold one more time I’m gonna put the Christmas tree back up
A romcom where I go to stop you at the airport, except I go to Cinnabon & then forget why I’m at the airport.
Glue a BB into the cap that goes on the air nozzle on car tires. Slowly lets the air out of the tires. Person refills tires and always puts the cap back on. After the 3rd or 4th flat tire they end up buying a new tire. 😏 No one ever thinks to look inside the cap.
9 called to ask how much bleach it takes to get purple ink out of carpet and because she’s so cute and at her dad’s I went with all of it!
Having hot lemon water every morning is definitely working. I’ve never felt more arrogant.
We broke up, but she said we could still be cousins. Merica.
This bicyclist in front of me sure dresses like he could be pedaling faster.
When I die, just throw the laundry in my grave with me. I want to die exactly as I lived.
How did the date go?
-Not good.
Aww what went wrong?
-*thinks back to accidentally popping a zit into her soup* She just wasn’t my type.
I spend a lot of money at Sephora for someone who’s got access to filters
[job interview]
“What would you say is your greatest strength?I’m pretty humble. Actually, I’m incredibly humble. Amaaaaazingly humble.
I’m not saying it is your fault, I said I’m blaming you.
Every person you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Make it worse by asking if they’re drinking enough water.
BREAKING: Swiss Police confirm that, when arrested, all seven FIFA officials threw themselves on the ground and pretended to be injured.