*Sweeping the floor
Lower back: “Time to go out!”
Brain: “Wait, why? We’re not doing anything the least bit strenuous!”
Lower Back: “Dunno, we just gotta”
*cries hunchbackedly
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I need a guy who’s cute charming smells good smells really good like cinnamon and sugar and flaky crust and actually I just need some pie
Miley Cyrus has her tongue out more than Jabba the Hutt.
Motherhood is like being a fireman putting out fires but everyone is shouting out how you’re doing it wrong and criticizing your sweatpants.
tamagotchi my fitbit
owners
🤝
trying to keep a weird
little guy alive
“Your generation is having less kids” yeah we go to therapy to fix our relationships now
[first date at restaurant]
ME: so, do you like dogs?
HER: no, not really-
ME: [already at home watching Netflix petting my dog]
Anyone else walk around the house yelling random things so you get weird ads on social media?
If you ever want a bad date to end just say “you remind me of my mother.” If you REALLY want to sell it leave out the “my”
People in glass houses can throw whatever they want. They live in a glass house, I’m not expecting them to be practical
My kind of messy bun is cinnamon.
Just saw a license plate that said “LUV SLUG.” I hope it shrivels up when they salt the roads in the winter.
Marriage vows in the future will include things like “During pandemics, I promise not to judge how many glasses of wine you drink.”
If being a role model involves anything before noon, I don’t want anything to do with that shit.
Unlike regular Jiu Jitsu, Brazilian Jiu Jitsu will get you out of a hairy situation.
my teen would like you to know I have allowed storms to disrupt our wifi when she had things to do
Oh no I just accidentally did everything wrong all my life
Diary
June 28 1954
So it turns out my weakness is kryptonite. I can’t tell anybody this.June 30 1954
I accidentally told Lex. Should be ok
If you can’t handle me at my worst just imagine how I feel.
girl in novel: hi my older brother who is 17 years old and popular, do you want breakfast ?
her brother: yes, remember when mom died when you were 4 and our dad is an alcoholic ?
them: is that a real sword
me: why would i walk around with a toy sword. that’s crazy
I never finish what I start. I have a black belt in partial arts.
95% of parenting is using your sock as a mop.
The Dalai Lama prefers quiet restaurants in order to find dinner peace.
maybe its the cursed amulet talking, but [thousands of locusts fly from my mouth and form a living treasure map on the ceiling]
Me: I signed my son up for an appointment with a child psyhcologist
Doctor: That’s me
Me: but you’re an adult
Doctor: and a child psychologist
Me: how
Child: [misbehaving]
Me [picking up phone]: That’s it, I’m calling Santa.
Child: Dad I’m 19.
Why does ma Nana’s dog look like he’s trying tae see what he wants tae order from the chippy
I act like Pacman at parties.
I walk around the room eating everything in site and avoiding everyone.
MacGyver finally realized that he just might be overthinking things a bit.