Slowly crawl towards your sleeping dog, put your face directly next to its face, and whisper “I know it’s been you shitting in my yard.”
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Ovulating in your forties is like a going out of business sale.
Went out to eat at a new place last night
Saw a couple friends I hadn’t seen in so long, I almost didn’t recognize them.
Slapped one guy on the back shook the other one’s hand and realized the reason I barely recognized them is because it wasn’t them.
My wife is still laughing
I asked my kid if his room was clean and that little shit cackled and asked Alexa if it was “Stupid Question Day”
Me, in most situations: quick, incisive decision-making.
Me, thinking about what drink to get at a gas station: To be or not to be; that is the question. Whether tis nobler in the mind to suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune, or to take arms against a sea of troub
My dog is really picky on where she poops. For instance, she will only choose a lawn where the homeowner is outside to make eye contact with me.
Justin Bieber has found Jesus which means that Jesus is really great at a lot of things but hiding is not one of them.
my widow: I remember how he drank eight glasses of water a day
[elsewhere]
crematorium worker: WHY ISN’T HE BURNING
y’all I’m about to get violent cuz wtf
when I was your age we had to wait 10 minutes to log into the internet
and we liked it
[Driving back from the petting farm]
5: They didn’t have duckies this time, but they had baby pigs!
[remembering the Smuggled Duckiling Incident from months earlier, I slam on brakes]
Me: IS THERE A BABY PIG IN THIS CAR
me: *donates two bucks to guy outside gas station*
guy: *takes off mask to reveal he’s actually wikipedia* i got you i finally got you
“Grammies” is a shortening of “gramophones.” Now that most people listen to music on their smartphones, the awards should probably be called (and I love this) “Phonies.”
[Hair Salon]
Stylist: What would you like?
Me: I want it 2 inches longer all over.
Don’t tell me I can hear the ocean if I put a shell up to my ear. If he has something to say to me SAY IT TO MY FACE U PIECE OF SHIT WATER
therapy: $90/hr
saying “it eez what it eez”: $0
Doc I keep throwing up
Did u eat anything odd lately
No
What about that bottle youre holding labelled “lizard juice”
You said eat, idiot
I just walked into my bedroom and the window was open, so the door accidentally slammed shut behind me. That should keep my family sufficiently terrified for the next few hours.
grandmas be like imma stay for a few days and reset your children back to factory settings
My three year old walked into the garage while I was working out yesterday and I may need to rethink my playlist because today he’s telling everyone that “anacondas love honey buns”.
My daughter turns 3 today. Due to our tight budget, we’re not telling her.
Wife: Is he called Batman because he flies at night?
Me: Kinda. But mainly a traumatic childhood bat thing
Wife: So Spiderman had a traumatic spider thing?
Me: No. Bitten by a radioactive spider
Wife: So is Antman childhood trauma or radioactive bite?
Me: No
just pick it off the pizza, you won’t taste it
~ one of the many lies black olive lovers tell us
Me: If I had a superpower, what would it be?
6YO: Being nice. Not yelling.
Me: Really?
6YO: Oh, I thought it was like which ones did you need.
Me:*opens mouth*
Husband: Don’t. You’re the adult.
I thought Match .com was a place to arrange fights to the death, but turns out it’s a website to find love. So I was close.
Never trust someone who acts as if nothing happened when you meet them right after you had an amazing dream about them.
people who do mutinies should be called mutants
Eating fruit loops out of a plastic baggy on the train and nodding at a baby doing the same thing.
I’d choose @funTweeters over anti-depressants any day.
police: EMPTY YOUR POCKETS, SLOWLY!
me, wearing cargo shorts: *pulls out 2 burger wrappers* THIS MIGHT TAKE A WHILE *pulls out a doll shoe & floss*
[Masterchef]
Gordon Ramsay: describe the dish
Me: *proudly* ceramic, chef