by milkshake she means trash and by boys she means raccoons and it’s a real problem in that neighborhood
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Did I tell you about the time I knocked down a kid with my bag on purpose? No? One time I knocked down a kid with my bag on purpose.
[Wildebeest being lowered Mission Impossible-style from a helicopter to graze the grasses of Buckingham Palace]
Texting wasn’t always easy. In my day, you had to work for it. You had to want it. You need an S? You better click that 7 button FOUR TIMES.
{1st date}
HER:What’s your favorite Disney movie?ME: *Worried this is a ploy to get me to share my pasta* NOT Lady & the Tramp.
amazon: your order has been placed
me: great thanks
amazon: your order is being prepared
me: cool
amazon: your order is being put in the truck
me: it’s ok i don’t need an update on every step
amazon: the driver just buckled his seatbelt
Me: I’ve never met a toilet I couldn’t clog!
Job interviewer: …And a weakness?
ME: You coming to the party?
FRIEND: Will it be rad?-
M: -ish.
F: I guess I’ll come.
[Later at the radish party]
F: I think I misunderstood
convinced my 44 year old therapist to confront her husband about not liking her instagram posts and left the session feeling so empowered by the realization that while she can’t make me better, i can make us both worse.
Girls are like strawberries. Sometimes they’re at the grocery store
I thought the best thing about adulthood would be the ability to buy as much Dr Pepper gum as I wanted.
It’s been discontinued and packs now sell for $50 on eBay.
You win again, life.
Surgeon: I can’t find the clot
Wife: *from gallery* oh BIG surprise
ME: *rolls up sleeves* time to fix the sink
WIFE: *rolling her sleeves back down* what is wrong with you just fix it
A wet beach towel will dry in about 30 minutes in the sun or 36 weeks in a hotel room.
What kind of crime would I have to commit in order to get the FBI to come in here and dust?
All it took was a skirt and one strong gust of wind and all of a sudden, my spirit animal is Hello Kitty.
[Inventor of the plow]
I’m gonna stab that field
The 4 Major Types of Twitter DMs:
Sup
Hello dear
Thanks for the follow!
Would you rather die at the hands of a koala or kangaroo?
“LUKE CHECK OUT HOW HARD I CAN CRY”
How to care for cast iron properly:
1. You’re an adult do whatever you want. Don’t let strangers on the internet tell you what to do it’s a frying pan not a Rembrandt!
2. Don’t you dare put it in the dishwasher.
Scientist: knowing that flamingos turn pink because they eat shrimp, we fed one nothing but Gatorade for 6 months
Reporter: so what happened?
Scientist: it’s dead.
When anyone says they’ve embarrassed themselves enough for one day, I smile, nod and think ‘that kind of limit sounds nice’
“We have literally a zillion binders full of selfies.” – Top Secret NSA Memo
Inventor of the Number 1 Pencil: Surely you will be the most popular pencil!
Squirrels before girls.
If I ever spend over $300 on shoes, they better have some James Bond shit in them.
That awkward moment when you realize your wife’s funeral is turning into a sausage-fest.
Burger King is preparing to introduce a new turkey burger. Pigeons are beginning to disappear.
Yesterday our neighborhood hairdresser was arrested for selling drugs. I was her customer for 10 years. I had no idea she was a hairdresser.
When someone asks if I have any hobbies
Gotta be tough for the guy somewhere who has to say “yeah, she left me for Charles Manson.”