I wouldn’t complain if I died, mostly because I’d be dead.
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She’s carrying a torch for you because her flamethrower’s in the shop.
me: this was fun
demon haunting me: this was not a date
me: text me when you get home
demon: ok
I’m pretty sure Morgan Freeman was narrating while the universe was being created
if i’m losing an argument believe me i’ve recognized that long before you & i’m already picturing eating a can of campbell’s chicken noodle soup when you’re done
[Bowling Alley]
“I’m sorry sir, but we don’t have any bowling shoes left”
*gestures towards a happy family of centipedes bowling*
i love it when my pets sigh like what ails you my little unemployed freeloader
What idiot called it a witch hunt and not the War on Seance?
Lady at my gym is pedaling a stationary bike while eating chips right out of the bag. I’m hiring her as my personal trainer.
Somehow names of kids have gotten more outrageous and names of pets have gotten way more normal. If my wife texts “Kyle was a problem today” I shouldn’t have to wonder if it’s another kid from preschool or my neighbor’s cat.
Me: What do you want to be when you grow up?
2-year-old: An eagle!
I’m going to save so much money on college.
Wouldn’t that be a cool twist if World War 3 turned out to be a U.S.-Russia thing after all? “So retro!”, you’d think as you were vaporized.
Me: I would like to summon my daughter and feel her presence once more.
Psychic: Okay. We ask for the daughter to come down and —
Daughter: I’M IN MY ROOM, MOM!
My finances would be a lot better if ATMs would ask me what I need the money for and then look at me disapprovingly before giving me half.
[job interview]
Interviewer: “Do you have any questions for me?”
Me: “How strong is the wifi signal in the restroom?”
Interviewer:
6yo: You’re grounded.
Me: Okay.
6yo: FOREVER!
Me: Thank you.
Her: Isn’t she your girlfriend?
Me: No, No, No, I broke up with her two days ago. She just hasn’t checked her voice mail yet…
dropping acid is irresponsible like damn bro don’t be so clumsy
we just got an unexpected parcel from my mother in law with a lovely set of iron windchimes and we could not figure out why on earth she’d sent us a gift so we rang her and turns out we both forgot it’s our anniversary tomorrow
CONFIRMED: Pete Davidson is now dating Sims 1 Bella Goth 🫢🫢
[creation]
GOD: You guys are bees
BEE: Are we important?
GOD: Mankind would collapse without you
BEE: Can we fly?
GOD: No, it’s physically impossible cause you’re all too fat lol
BEE: …
GOD: Ok fine I’ll figure it out
Me: Get in the kitchen and make me a sandwich.
Dog:
Me: No? Nothing? I don’t get it. You learned “sit” in like ten minutes.
On the street or subway you can only imagine what that idiot is thinking. On Twitter, you get to see what that idiot is thinking.
don’t think i’ve met a single person ever who listens to machine gun kelly. he is less of a musician and more like a mischievous forest spirit who emerges every five years to haunt a very beautiful woman to the point of madness
“This steak is really chewy.”
*me drunk, eating my dog’s toy*
Marriage Tip: Always be dumber than your spouse at math so you don’t have to help your kid with his math homework.
If you tell your coworkers you sleep in the nude, no one bothers you when you close your office doors at 2pm every day.
Hell hath no fury like a woman proving herself by parallel parking
BREAKING NEWS: Man gets out of offending people by saying “present company excluded of course” after highly offensive statement
“Hello, my name’s Drew and I’m an addict”
“Sir, this is a cheese counter”