My husband told me I was beautiful for the first time tonight
Sure, he was drunk and using a Scooby Doo voice but I’ll take it
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Never ever did it occur to me that in my forties, and as a mother of teens, that I’d be spending my time scolding my parents for leaving the house without my permission.
I enjoy romantic scrolls up and down your timeline.
People: “You look so unapproachable”
Me: “And yet,here you are”
Me: I woke up feeling super happy and confident, this is great! Nothing can go wrong.
Those Shoes That Make My Feet Smell Like Old Cheese: hey girl. wear me.
One time back before automatic signatures I wrote a rather stern email to a group at work about a poorly-run project. I hastily closed with “Regards, (my name)” or at least thought I did; that day I learned qwerty keyboards are my enemies thanks to the proximity of the G to the T
Why I still can’t play Chess:
Older brother trying to teach me: “And this piece is?”
Me: “Horse.”
OB: “…the Knight.”
Me: “Ah, but see how I remember it is it moves horseizontally.”
OB: “I need you to go away now.”
Lesson learned: toddlers don’t understand sarcasm. As a side note, don’t say ‘bite me’ around toddlers that don’t understand sarcasm
Financial independence now means getting your kids to eat most of their meals at the neighbors house
People are starting to relax about coronavirus. I coughed at the grocery store and only one person tased me.
Yesterday my colleague called me a ‘laptop murderer’ because I cut my computer in half to make it more portable. Does anyone else do this? Is it just me?
nobody needs to go to school for code. if your code doesnt work just keep putting } at the end until it works
Every time I swallow food coloring, I dye a little bit on the inside.
Who comes up with this kinda stuff
changed my bio on bumble to “I’m gonna murder ur whole family” and guys still responded
Anyone else ever hit the pizza button on the microwave and hope that pizza would be there?
“I will not have my voice silenced! This is censorship! This is against the constitution!”
“But sir. This is a library.”
Why don’t they just get Jehovah’s Witnesses to deliver the mail?
I’m a dad so I love talking about meat rubs but I’m also a 14yo so I giggle inside when I do.
Every time someone says “it’s a vibe” I wish there were loopholes where murder was legal.
Be warned, person who set of a whole bunch of fireworks at 4 am–you’ve made a minimally powerful enemy.
My wife asked me to name off all my sexual partners in order.
I should probably have stopped when I got to her name
“I can’t fall asleep… I think it’s because I’m talking”
– my 5yo, at 3am, not wrong
Every time a house is evil, a disaster, and full of demons in a movie we find out someone used a Ouija board so anyway guess when I’m saying is at what point did America use a ouija board
Marriage counselor: and the puns?
Wife: he hasn’t made one in weeks. I think we’re going to make it
Me: *walking in with food glued on me* sorry I’m plate
The name Corey is short for Coriander. Coreys will try & tell you it’s not but they are lying.
When you stop being a vegan –
is it called losing your veganity ?
Dr: Are you sexually active?
Me: *cries*
Dr: Um, are you sexually-
Me: *cries harder*
Dr: …..Ok. Do you drink?
Me: YES I BLOODY DRINK
I was fired from my job as hotel front desk manager for yelling “Get a room!” to every couple that entered the hotel.
Watching an episode of Star Trek (original series) and my 8 year old says the uniforms remind her of The Wiggles.
I can’t unsee it now
Bad credit? No credit? First time buyer? First time baby? No legs? 8 legs? You a spider? Are you a Spider trying to buy a house?