Autocorrect changed ‘lover’ to ‘liver’ and that’s ok because I need one of those too.
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End a boring conversation by opening an umbrella in their face
“Owen, you must hide this baby from Anakin Skywalker at all costs.”
“Okay. Should we continue to call him Luke Skywalker?”
“That’s cool.”
Daylight Saving Time is increasingly hard to notice when my digital are devices are like, “What? Nothing happened. We know what time it is.”
And my stove is left blinking and screaming, “IT HAPPENED! TIME SHIFTED UNNATURALLY! THEY’RE ALL LYING! ONLY I KNOW! ONLY I REMEMBER!”
Receptionist:
“That lady in the waiting room is picking her nose.”Plastic Surgeon:
“Good! That’ll save me some time. Send her right in.”
The wife says we have to eat all the stuff we’ve collected from fast food places tonight.
Looks like we’re having Taco Bell hot sauce, a bunch of salt & pepper, and a wet floor sign.
Someday, maybe a year or a decade from now, we’ll look back on this day and think, “Crap I completely forgot to pick up my kid from daycare.”
Doctor: Describe your usual day
Me: Eat, wait to eat, eat, wait to eat, eat
Doctor: Okay I see the problem
Me: Right? So is there an anti-waiting pill, or
dating a skinny guy is cool and all until you’re cooking and you accidentally boil him with the noodles
A close talker, a loud talker, and a cougher walked into an elevator to punish me for not hitting the close door button fast enough.
cop: we’re investigating the disappearance of your neighbor
me: i don’t know where dave is
cop: how did you know it was dave
[ups guy walks up] got an order for a human sized hamster wheel
I had 3 crackers, a ketchup packet, and a yogurt that said “Liz’s. Don’t Touch!” for lunch in case anyone wondered if tomorrow is payday.
A spider crawling along the wall suddenly fell off and kept crawling on the floor like it wasn’t a big deal, so I said out loud, “I saw that.”
You know in a video game when you kept pushing b to get through the talking part but later realized you should’ve read it? That’s adulthood.
I started to keep a notepad beside the bed so that I can write down tweets at night, so far I have:
Really shitty handwriting in the dark.
doctor: we’ve had your results back
me: what’s it look like
doctor: a piece of paper with numbers on
Ghost: GET OUT
Me: Or what?
Ghost: I’ll close a cupboard loudly and tip over a cup. I have all the powers of a three year-old that has access to a ladder
You know your kid is Canadian when she’s watching football and asks why no one is skating
[texting]
Me: I’m over IT.
Friend: Over what?
Me: You know…IT.
Friend: IT is a pronoun that could mean anything.
Me: IT as in Information Technology.
Friend: You CAN’T be over that.
[1 week later]
Me, via handwritten letter: Well, I am.
If you’re moving to a new house for a “fresh start,” congratulations your new house is haunted.
God: you hate the moon.
Wolf: why?
God: he stole your girlfriend.
Wolf: I have a girlfriend?
God: not anymore.
Wolf: because the moon-
God: -stole her yes.
Wolf: I hate the moon.
God: I know.
Wolf: I just miss her so much.
God: let it out.
Wolf: [takes a deep breath]
Me: *tips the waiter*
Waiter: *angrily climbing out the lobster tank*
Me, gently telling my kids that I ate the rest of the ice cream: Your dad ate the rest of the ice cream.
Oh that’s my brother, he has his own apartment upstairs
Does everyone’s inner monologue have a laugh track?
the little umbrella is so unnecessary like my drink is already wet bro.
People just said “go to the gym” they never mentioned that you have to actually do things when you get there I’ve been doing this so wrong.
POLICE: Sir, do you know how fast you were going?
ME: Jealous much?
Me: “Want a banana?”
3yo: “Yes, but don’t cut it up. And don’t peel it. And don’t make it be a banana. Make it be a waffle.”
I’m sorry I ate your food but you just kept taking pics of it instead of eating it.
Imagine falling in love with someone and then finding out they say “worthwild”