okay, whoever wished for avocado to become “the poor man’s butter” again, put down the monkey paw
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“My fellow Americans-”
Barack
“we are working tirelessly-”
Sir
“to make sure-”
Barack. You’re still wearing ur xbox headset
I’m going to the hospital tomorrow…not because I’m sick, but because they have free pudding if you’re fast enough.
I know you had tons of fun at Mardi Gras back in ’97, but really it’s time to take the beads down from your rear view mirror.
My husband has been gone for 6 months. He’s on his 4th tour of Ikea.
abandoning Dry January after I learned that January is 31 days and not seven hours
Easy there, Jedi. Convincing me to add wings to my pizza order isn’t a mind trick.
This will never not be funny to me.
felt that
[first time hearing bag pipes]
ME: What a pleasant experience.
[1 minute later]
ME: This can stop.
Hey Facebook…Meta sounds like the name of Elon Musk’s next girlfriend.
5: I’ll fix it when you say “sorry” fifty times
3: ok. sorry fifty times
[first date]
Her: omg are you wearing a cape? Lol
Me: [texting mom] ok you were right about the cape
Me: Rest assured I will go to the grave with your secret.
Pat: Thank you.
Me: Unfortunately so will my golfing buddies.
Robin Thicke can’t even name a second Robin Thicke song
My autobiography will be a single piece of paper that says ‘Ugh’
me: i recently lost my job
date: oh no what happened
me: the office relocated and i can’t find it
This surgeon yelling at me in the physician’s lounge. He thinks I’m a med student. I’m just gonna keep letting him yell at me and then put on my attending hospitalist badge, say “ok then” and leave.
[recovering from food poisoning]
Me: Finally feeling better
Leftovers in the fridge: You up?
“Can’t beat fresh apple pie” she says, setting 1 down. I slam my fist into it. 3rd degree burns. “Wrong” I whisper 4 hrs later in the ER.
People who incessantly go on and on about replacing things that taste good with quinoa, please stop
Can’t afford a cat? Duct tape 3 squirrels together, next question
Tried to challenge the guy in the stall next to me to a thumb war, now he’s holding my hand & crying about his childhood.
I need to wipe.
Caught my girlfriend having sex with an abstract artist. He said “it’s not what it looks like”
shaggy: hey scoob where’s my burger
scooby: ruh roh
shaggy: great danes only live 8 years you know
scooby: ruck roo
Her: We need to talk
Me: *tucking in my pet racoon* Why?
[i sweetly pet a wild baby deer in my lap] aww this is so boring
❤️❤️❤️
Him: How much do you love me?
Me: A bit more than pizza.
Him:
Me: But not as much as coffee.
I hate when fire trucks drive real slow with the siren on. There’s one behind me right now. So annoying.
“I think I stepped in some upchuck”
What’s up, Chuck?
“Not much, but my name’s not Chuck”
*vomits*