If you honk your horn .2 seconds after the stoplight turns green, I can promise I’m prepared to spend the rest of my life adjusting my seat and my mirrors before driving off.
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[Spelling bee]
JUDGE: Spell “Insubordinate”ME: *Lips on mic* No.
JUDGE: I don’t… where do we go from here?
The only way a “staycation” sounds good is if the rest of my family takes a “leavecation”
Me *Screams at mountain*: I LOVE YOU!
Mountain *echoes back*: I have a boyfriend…. oyfriend…end…nd
I don’t understand people who do things on weekends. You just did things all week. What’s next, more things?? That’s how they get you
They: ‘ Where are you from?’
Me: ‘I’m from 80s.’
You’ve just ordered Pizza Hut and a 2L Mountain Dew. You’ve loaded up Diablo on your PC. No school tomorrow. Your parents don’t care if you stay up all night long. A perfect Summer night. You are 39 years old. The year is 2023.
To all the “cougars” out there, shame on you for not calling yourselves “Thundercats” shame. on. you.
eyes: what’s that
me with eye drops: nothing.
I am not lying, autocorrect just tried to change “first” to Furstenberg like wtf when I have ever texted Furstenberg?!?
I hate it when a stick of butter goes rogue and leaps out of the refrigerator at me when I open the door.
therapist: what’s your earliest memory?
me: crying for my mom
therapist: so around what, five?
me: nine this morning
The tooth fairy forgot to come last night. Luckily she woke in a panic at 5 am and visited in the nick of time.
When I write “I hope this email finds you well” I’m referring to the email’s skills in tracking you down.
Why am I like this?
ADVERT: Have you been involved in an accident at work…
*looks up from hospital bed*
ADVERT: …that wasn’t your fault…
ME: Oh.
“Hey, we see that everything you’ve ever watched has been in English, may we suggest something in German?”
-Netflix.
my mom treats her air pods like they’re disposable. buys a few a month. she says they would be easier to not lose if they had….a cord
TOP 5 USES FOR APPLES:
1. creating sin
2. inventing gravity
3. keeping doctors away
4. shooting off of a child’s head
5. pie
Void?
Y E S F R I E N D
Can you answer a question?
Y E S
What’s the meaning of life?
L O O K B E H I N D Y O U
There’s nothing there.Oh.
Sometimes I try to reason with people, but invariably they start talking again.
Them: how are you?
Me: fine
Them: you don’t look fine
Me: then stop looking
Me, sets my alarm for 6.30 am.
My brain: I will start to sleep at exactly 6.30 am.
Me: Sit.
Dog: (confused dog look)
Me: Stay!
Dog: (continues packing suitcase)
No Grandma, a friend with benefits is not someone who lends you a cup of sugar.
If you ever find yourself drowning in a pool of egg whites and sugar, simply keep thrashing until you’re resting comfortably on a pillow of meringue.
[first day as a peterinarian]
Customer: I think there’s a misprint on that sign
Me (petting dog): No.
I brought my Beats headphones to work, and instead of being left alone, I’ve had 7 rap battles and am in the finals against A$AP Carol.
Once you’ve had a bug on you everything is a bug on you for the rest of the day.
Don’t forget drink water and get some sunlight because you’re basically a house plant with more complicated emotions
Obama: Please don’t talk to me until I’ve had my morning cup of Joe.
Joe: no please no more.
Obama: shut up Joe. *takes a sip of Joe*