ME: I need to pee really bad
TEACHER: can you hold it?
ME: probably not. my hands aren’t very good at retaining liquid
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I’m tired of the bad jokes, dad. Doubt you can hear me anyway. I’m pullin’ the plug.
“…hi pullin’ the plug, I’m da-”
*pulls the plug*
Imagine how much more useful Superman would’ve been if he’d helped people move their heavy furniture instead.
Big deal, snakes that can unhinge their jaw, I can unhinge my whole self.
Enjoy your 30s cause in your 40s your check knees light comes on
Him: do you know an easy way to draw three flying birds?
Me: mmm
Him: thanks
At this point, a nurse could tell me my blood pressure was 700 over clown shoes and I still wouldn’t know if that’s good or bad.
Him: How much do you love me?
Me: A bit more than pizza.
Him:
Me: But not as much as coffee.
Caught my son chewing on electrical wires.
So, I grounded him.
He’s doing better currently and conducting himself properly.
Me: *getting too close to smell a candle* This one smells like burnt hair. Weird choice.
getting a brazilian wax is just getting the rug pulled out from under you
one time my dad walked in on me smoking an E cig and made me eat a whole pack of batteries
People: we are overfishing the sea
McDonalds: we’ll make the Filet o Fish smaller
People: nonononono
I don’t want to sound alarmist, but EEEEOOOO EEEEOOOO ANK ANK ANK ANK WOO-OOP WOO-OOP WOO-OOP
Cashier: You’re the first person to not buy flowers or chocolates today.
Me: * looks down at burrito and donuts *
It’s still love though.
Your kid is old enough to drive, lady, get him out of the shopping cart.
[becomes allergic to the floor midway through a date & slowly floats out of a window]
I attribute my average intelligence to a balanced childhood diet of Smarties & Dum Dums.
clark kent’s honeymoon starts on a down note
‘Perfectly preserved 90s Burger King’ is the result I want from a skincare product
[emptying spam]
ME: Why do I have so much canned meat?
Delivering eulogy at o’possum’s funeral: Before I start I’d like to give Jeff a few more minutes to come around.
media: how to watch tonight’s super blue moon
me: look up at the sky???
I was told that I could have anything as long as I applied myself, but the loan officer at my bank begs to differ.
ME: You wouldn’t believe these sparklers I got!
SPOUSE: That’s dynamite!
ME: *waiving around the lit fuse* I know! It’s really cool!
SPOUSE: *already running*
I stuffed my mom last night. I know you’re thinking I have an Oedipus complex and that’s gross but jokes on you I’m a taxidermist
Them: Sex without marriage is a sin.
Me: Well, technically, I am married, just not to him.
Me: This edible isn’t working.
Me 20 min. later: Lifts the toilet seat expecting it will turn on the bathroom light.
The letter n always has to be the centre of attention.
If you don’t speak English. I’M GOING TO REPEAT EXACTLY WHAT I JUST SAID MUCH LOUDER. In hopes that you understand.
-Everyone at my job.
If Ross Geller and George Costanza were in the same room with Sheldon Cooper, Michael Scott, and Kimmy Gibbler, they still wouldn’t be as annoying as you.