911: What’s you’re emergency?
ME: You mean “your”?
911: OK. So..?
ME: Someone’s murdering me
911: You mean “murdered”
ME:..
911: [dial tone]
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Swedish for common sense.
Apparently, changing your profile to “Flirty, dirty and a little squirty” gets you kicked out of Christian Mingle.
Me-Did you know blinking is how cats say I love you?
*blinks profusely at cashier*
Cashier-Your fries, ma’am. Just please take your fries.
If you can diet in October around all the Halloween candy-you’re either dying or practicing witchcraft.
Shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit, probably
Nothing says “I don’t take you seriously” like your dog wagging his tail when you are yelling at him.
imagine telling yo girl a joke and i start laughing under the bed
I just put the 4K Fireplace for Your Home on Netflix and my ma told me to turn it off because she’ll get too warm
Regular naps prevent old age, especially if you take them while driving…
Whenever I meet a new baby, I stand still and let it come up to me and smell my hand first before I try to pet it
For the longest time I never saw the word “petri dish” written so thought my science teacher was saying “pastry dish” and imagined big glass brownie pans being used in labs across the country
Really mean guy at the golf course called me a 4 and then hit me with his golf ball 🙁
BOSS: *rubbing bridge of her nose* Why were you late again?
ME: Well it’s High Five Wednesday, and I passed an aquarium full of Octopuses
My 15yo just handed me this and apologised, explaining that he’s been contracted to kill me.
All I’m saying is if paper beats rock why are rocks used as paperweights?
Classified ad:
Hunter seeks gatherer for nasty, brutish and short relationship. No weirdos.
The real reason women will never be the ones to propose: As soon as she gets on her knees, he will start unzipping his pants.
If someone says “With all due respect,” what follows is the verbal equivalent of a captive chimp hurling feces at you.
Ok, so maybe the best time to break the news about how many years of school there are was NOT after a rough day at kindergarten.
I load up my Volkswagen Beetle just like anyone else: one clown at a time.
*waves to the bagged salad i’ll throw out in a few days as i get ketchup for my fries
Mom can you come get me?
I wished someone happy birthdsy in the group chat and now everyone is saying birthdsy
“WHY ARE YOU RIPPING OUT ALL OF YOUR FUR?!!”
-my dog, when I wax
This new sauté pan and I have vastly different definitions of non stick.
I hate it when I’m in a rage and suddenly remember I’m not wealthy so I can’t hurl expensive bone china into the fireplace.
Science tip: you can distinguish an alligator from a crocodile by paying attention to whether the animal sees you later or in a while.
Beaver 1: our house has been flooded…
Beaver 2: dam
They say you become what you hate and so I am terrified I’m going to become a young, vibrant beautiful man who’s loathful life is full of undeserved luck and success.
*cat lays on my leg*
*I remain perfectly still for hours, so she won’t leave*
*I move half an inch*
*cat buys bus-ticket for next town over*
Kids: you burned the popcorn
Me: you gave me stretch marks
Being a mom is easy