Don’t watch nature documentaries with me unless you want more information than the narration provides.
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“We’re a completely paperless office.”
Wow, that’s really cool.
[Later, staring at iPad dispenser in bathroom]
Well this sucks.
me: babe get your finger measured
her: [hopeful] is it for what i think it is?
me: [ordering custom puppets] you’ll see
If theres an otter, youre underwater. If a ferret you see, then on land you be.
FOMO so bad I choose to be cremated and put in an hourglass so I can still participate in game night after I die
Men fantasize about me, women want to be me and children obey me!
[wakes up on bathroom rug]
I can’t really explain it, but the second half of the alphabet is more exciting than the first.
[English class]
Her: I’m never sure how to properly use a colon
Me [trying to impress her]: *poops*
*visits random websites just for the cookies*
A man tried to get a refund on a Tom and Jerry boxset because the storylines were “repetitive”
Tried to pull up my long sleeve but my fingers slipped and I punched myself in the chest. My husband really hit the jackpot.
I love that we have computers and the Internet now, it’s much easier to publish a study, I just published one about bacon being a super food with all the vitamins and nutrients as kale but much better tasting.
will i understand 28 days later if i haven’t first seen 28 days
doktor: did you get a drug test?
me: nah I know what I’m on
I need to find just the perfect men’s swimsuit and then only ever wear it twice annually
Friends with my exes? I’m barely friends with my friends.
My dog crosses her paws regally while lying on the floor, like she didn’t just eat the contents of the bathroom trash can.
“Don’t bite the hand that feeds you” maybe just don’t bite hands. Shouldn’t have to qualify it
@XplodingUnicorn LOOK WHAT ARRIVED TODAY!!! SO EXCITED!!! *Dances in place*.. 😊💃
Growing old is a gift.
Wetting yourself when you sneeze, not so much. 🤧🙄
Hypothesis, hypotenuse and hippopotamus are the same words
Stay woke, sheeples
Would I miss my leg or my arm more?
(me, lying in bed, deciding which to put outside the blanket for the monster under the bed to rip off)
Nightmares are so embarrassing bro, like u literally made up a guy and got scared of him.
Not to brag but both my kids are from the same dad
Can’t sleep because I keep finding exciting opportunities to get pissed off.
Volunteer firefighter battles a house fire until 2 am and still goes to work at 6am.
Me: Wakes up at 7 am and contemplates whether to use a smiling or grinning emoji.
Me *checking restaurant bill* we’ll split this
Her: What, really?
Me: It’s fairer
Her: But I didn’t have wine
Me: You had dessert though
Her: I am 6 years old
Me: Get your money out
Prayers for my distraught 5yo whose pet ice cube just melted in his apple juice
If you hate awkward silences, then necrophilia isn’t for you.
—Never bring a knife to a gun fight.
—I have to bring a gift to this thing? I barely know these people.