Apparently “I don’t like scary movies,” is not an appropriate response to being asked to watch a wedding video.
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*Opens freezer*
Yo ice! Whatchu upto?
“Just chillin.”
Haha!
“HAHA!”
Hehe.
“Drunk again huh?”
Yeah.
So what I ate my salad with a spoon, lf you give me a second date and i’ll show you how I tackle soup
INTERVIEWER: And why under skills did you put “has dominion over bees”?
ME: [covered in bee stings] You can cross that one off
My son asked me how diarrhea fits into God’s plan for us and I don’t think we’re going back to church anymore.
“Two can play at that game”
-guy who’s confused about solitaire.
In some countries your Honor, a nude man painted in bronze while urinating in a public fountain would be considered art.
What a wicked game you play
To make me feel this way
What a wicked thing to do
Detective Pikachu
Two raccoons reach into a moonlit bag of trash. A moment! Their paws meet. They lock eyes. They hiss and scratch the shit out of each other.
911: what’s your emergency?
me: there’s a really loud fight next door
911: we’ll send a narcissist with anger issues and a gun
me: omg thank you
bugs bunny: i’m asking lola to marry me, i need a ring
jeweler: how many karats
bugs bunny: however many it takes, my good man, i just love her soo much
[sees fly]
Hmm… I think I’ll name this creature “Fly.”
[sees bird]
GODDAMMIT
a robber breaking into my house and putting two left shoes on my feet so when I wake up to chase after him I just run in a circle
2 atoms of helium acting funny ~ HeHe
life is like a box of chocolates: it kills dogs
Me: Please don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee.
You: Would you like some coffee?
Me: No.
I try to often think “human meat is gristly” in case hungry aliens are reading my thoughts
monster under my bed: I’m gonna eat you
me: [pulls covers over head] your move
[lying on the couch, one leg hanging off the side, face and shoulder smashed against the arm, other leg and one of my hands completely asleep] well as long as the cat is comfortable
I’m throwing myself a circumcision party tomorrow, so anybody with a scalpel and a steady hand, stop on by. Jews welcome only with gift.
I buy blocks of cheese.
For the grater good.
A woman saying “I’m not mad at you” is like a dentist saying “You won’t feel a thing.”
A relationship so stable you can buy concert tickets 4 months in advance >>
Child: [eating cereal]
Me [looking at table]: WOW. Not a single piece of cereal spilled on the table?! Nice job.
Child: Thank you.
Me [taking a step]: *crunch*
Child:
Me: There it is.
Jan 21, 2015: The 1989 film “Back to the Future II” showed life on Oct 21, 2015. So we’ve got 9 Months to invent Flying Cars.
[runs thru the funeral chasing a bagpipe player]
“Stop hurting that octopus!”
If I ever get married, I’m not wearing white. Nothing to do with the whole virginity thing, and everything to do with being a sloppy eater.
very few whales can do a kickflip but also very few skateboarders could eat 40 million krill in one day, everyone has their strengths and weaknesses