Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
OK! EAT ME NOW
Oh! Too lateBananas
You Might Also Like
[at the running of the bulls]
ME: imma try to pet ’em
KiK? Nope. I only joke about divorce. I’m not committed to it actually happening.
I have a friend who doesn’t drink coffee, so to stay alert at work he gets a healthy amount of sleep each night. What a loser
Called my mom on FaceTime and had a heart to heart conversation with her magnified thumb
Gonna name our dog Sock so I can say “Come, Sock” over and over again at the dog park
Okay, I’ll bite, what is “the Beatles”
If someone ever asks you for advice just reply with “Buy a penguin”. Imagine a scenario where that isn’t awesome.
[praying in church]
Please God let church end early
Don’t expect a “bless you” after you sprayed me down with your sneeze.
Sadly, the days of people using proper English are went.
“No mom, do not stuff shrimp in your purse for “later”
And other things I thought I’d never have to say to my 85 yr old mother at a buffet..
Genie: You get 3 wishes
Me: I wish you were terrible at math
Genie: You only have 14 more wishes
A leaf blower, but for people.
[APARTMENT KITCHEN]
GUY: *pouring cooking grease down the drain* i know i shouldn’t, but what do I care, i rent
[SUBTERRANEAN LAIR OF RAT PEOPLE]
RAT KING: *grease drops on his head* that man-thing is the first to die-die
RAT WORKERS: *about to breach the surface* yes-yes
History may repeat itself but a toddler does it better.
Me: Sorry can’t come over, I’m snowed in
MIL: But it’s the middle of summer
Me: snowed in
MIL: and hot
Me: snowed in
MIL: it sum…
Me: SNOW
Just had to persuade my child to eat something delicious because children.
Behind every successful woman is a Man who let her down.
*makes breakfast for two
*eats both of them
“We’re not lost!” Dad would insist, despite Mom’s complaints that “This isn’t on the map” and “We shouldn’t be seeing the ocean from Tulsa.”
In the shower: so nice hearing the kids playing and laughing together
Out of shower: oh that’s screaming and crying and the house is burning down
Her: I feel like you aren’t listening to me.
Me: No thanks, I’ve eaten.
My son just told me he wasn’t a huge chicken fan and I told him I too prefer normal sized chickens and then my wife called the cops.
I’m pretty certain the first nudist colonies were started by parents who refused to do any more laundry and said screw it, we’re all going naked. Cuz same.
Me: oh shit, our new doormat says ‘Welcome,’ do you think any vampire can just come in now?
BF: just turn it around.
This is enough internet for the day.
One way to tell if a man is good in bed is to watch him dance. Another good way is to have sex with him.
3 things you never get back :
A word after it’s said
Time after it’s passed
Your pen if I really like it
[wife calls]
“What time will you be home?”
“About 6.”
“Good, my parents are here &-”
“Actually there’s been a fire at work & we all died.”
Like a kite stuck in a tree, I too am stuck in a tree