me: so… you want to come back to my place? *bites bottom lip*
her: don’t bite my lip
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“How’s the diet going?”
I beep when I back up now.
[first day as a waiter]
Customer: We’ve been waiting forever.
Me: ME TOO.
Bend over and take it like a taxpayer.
Prince: I’m deleting dating apps so I can find love the old fashioned way (by kissing dead girls in the woods while 7 short people watch)
Bathrooms have Changed from being a Singing Studio, to a Photo Studio.
If you see a glass as half empty, pour it into a smaller glass.
“Punch it bro, the lights gray.”
A website for religious potato chip lovers…Christian Pringle.
Why is the word prolific only used to describe serial killers. You never hear anyone say “He was the most prolific donut maker you’ve ever seen.”
I’m like a siren of the sea, except I lure my victims by smelling like garlic bread
ME: a guy at work broke his jaw and has to eat all his meals through a straw
WIFE: wow that sucks
ME: i know what a straw does linda
I just read an article about a man swept out to sea during a baptism. I guess that’s God’s Way of saying “Nope”.
How long do you wait before you introduce your girlfriend to your child? For arguments sake let’s say you’ve been dating for 3 years and the child is 6 weeks old.
A posh woman asked where I got my boots and I didn’t want to say TJ Maxx, so I told her I won them in a bar fight.
Our brain took two billion years to evolve. Two billion trips around the Sun. All so humans can use it to look at kittens on the Internet.
My favourite movie romance is Keanu Reeves and Sandy Bullock in Speed because they meet by overcoming the greatest relationship hardship of all: when a woman is driving and a man is trying to give her directions
If you can’t handle me at my worst just imagine how I feel.
Automated phone system: To speak to a representative, please enter the last twelve digits of pi.
Bad comedy:
“Gonorrhea, but not forgottenorrhea. Am I right?”
*crickets*
“Jeez, y’all sure know how to avoid the clap. Am I right folks?”
9: Whatcha watching?
Me: Tiny Houses.
9: Wow it’s tiny! Who’s gonna live there?
Me: Two people.
9: Are they married?
Me: Not for long.
Not a single one of my girlfriends has stuck around to see how many old school WWF finishing moves I know.
ME: I propose teaching pandas to play pattycake bec-
ZOOKEEPER: How do you keep getting in here?
ZOO OFFICIAL: Wait. Let’s hear him out.
when it’s summer but your favorite holiday is halloween
I just let a raccoon loose in my kitchen just so I’d have something to do tomorrow.
me: yeah, i’m into fitness…fitness this whole pizza in my mouth.
executioner: did you plan your last meal around this?
Turns out men don’t like being asked when their due date is either
Dr: how’s your diet?
Me: I’ve been eating a lot of good fats like you said
Dr: ice cream isn’t good fats
Me: are you kidding me ice cream is amazing
[filing for legal name change]
Judge: and what’s the reason for the request?
Me: I was owned pretty badly on line
Judge: *removes glasses and squints* oh my god are you the guy that thought bears were fat dogs
Watching the history channel and feeling clever when the guy said “and this dinosaur was called pterodactyl” and I’m thinking “called by who, there was nobody there”
Me: I want to be like Hemingway.
Friend: a writer?
Me: no. An alcoholic.