Cute waiter: Hi, what can I get for you?
Me: *accidentally barks*
You Might Also Like
No expert, but pretty sure the chickens need a new toner cartridge now
When the cops are at your door have on a cape, carry a wand, and tell them you’re a magician when they ask how your boyfriend disappeared.
My wife said I need to grow up.
I was speechless.
It’s hard to say anything when you have 45 gummy bears in your mouth
careful fellas!
when you text a girl, you also text like 7 of her other friends.
when revenge coincides with naptime
Why do they report on the hurricane by standing in the middle of the hurricane?
When there’s a house fire, no one reports on it from inside the house.
My 3-year-old was having yogurt for breakfast. He decided to pretend it was ice cream. Then got mad at me because it really wasn’t ice cream.
There aren’t enough condom ads in the world.
No thanks, babies. If I’m going to let something inside of my body that’s going to destroy my figure, it’ll be cheese, bread and booze.
Your skull is only a centimeter thick and other reassurances.
who called them poets and not rhyme machines?
“Let’s just kill ALL the characters”
-Game of Thrones
Peeling onions is great because you get to cry about everything in front of your kids and blame supper.
best buy employee: can i help you find anything
me: uh i’m good
best buy employee: ok well if you have any questions i’m colin
me: how’d you get in my house colin
A dog just came up to me to say hello and the owner dragged him off.
Jealousy will get you nowhere, pal.
Dispatch: 911 what’s your emergency
Me: I’m being held prisoner
Dispatch: Do they have weapons?
Me: Just nerf guns and toy swords
Dispatch: Umm ok
Me: They won’t stop eating my snacks
Dispatch: Ma’am, is it your children
Me: …….Maybe.
Dispatch: 5th one today
Dance like no one is watching.
Sing like no one is listening. A
Eat salty food like your blood pressure cuff is broken.
My 5yo is insisting weasels aren’t real and that I’m the one who told him that, and I did not know I was going to have defend myself like this before coffee
When your bucket of KFC starts talking about the afterlife, that is some deep fried chicken.
Straight people are cancelled
INTERVIEWER: Any questions for me?
ME: How do I access the WIFI?
INTERVIEWER: I meant about the job
ME: Is that all capital?
Shouldn’t women have a girlnecologist?
You know when two cops park their cars facing opposite directions so they can talk to each other through their driver-side windows? That’s called a 6-9-1-1.
Wait you misunderstood. When I called you “doll face,” I was referring to Chucky.
favorite tropes as memes
If homosexuals come out of the closet, do necrophiliacs come out of the casket?
Every time i tell people i want to be a comedian they laugh. See, im that good!!
Apparently there’s enough room in my mouth to put more than one foot.
Cardinal: Ordinations are down
Pope: Maybe a recruiting poster?
C: Slogan?
P: “We separate the men from the boys!”
C: Um… Any other ideas?
Me: why can’t I lose weight?
Also me: only leaves the house for events involving cake
Guy: Are you pregnant?
Me: No, I’m a Ninja Turtle with my shell on BACKWARDS.
Guy: …..
Me: Cowabunga, douche!