*narrows eyes*
You wouldn’t write it like that unless you poisoned the firgs
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Truthful Tuesday. I don’t understand string theory or open faced sandwiches.
Let me show you what this mouth can do..
[eats a cheeseburger]
Fact: DJs who work at radio stations playing christmas music for two months are not allowed to wear belts or shoe laces.
If you ever get hit by a car, try to spin like a ballerina. You won’t get another chance like this.
Hey Facebook…Meta sounds like the name of Elon Musk’s next girlfriend.
Today my toddler is crying because he doesn’t have his stuffed animal. That he put in the fridge. And yelled at me for trying to take it out.
If ghosts exist, I bet there are a lot of haunted women’s locker rooms.
*accidentally pokes finger in my eye* I can’t even trust myself anymore.
One of the most fastest seahorses was Landbiscuit
[God & his assistant making giraffes]
ASST: Say “when” once the neck is long enough, k?
*God is on his iPhone not really paying attention*
HER: so what do you do?
ME: i’m a mathemagician
HER: you mean a mathematician?
ME: [divides by zero] no
If you don’t like your son, grab a football and tell him to go long. Never throw it. He’s gone now.
[Ghost describing stalker to sketch artist]
“He was a yellow circle with a demonic mouth.”
*holds up drawing of Pac-Man*
*sobs* THAT’S HIM!
13 years of marriage and my husband has never asked me to make him a salad
When does he ask for one? During a pandemic when we’ve run out of vegetables and grocery pick up is in three days
My husband pays me the highest compliments. Like “WOW! Look at you. You’re dressed.”
I like to say thank you to my server when he arrives with the water, then again while he’s pouring the water, then another time when he hands me the glass full of water, and then one final time when he’s walking away
reminder: dont bring up serious subjects at the dinner table, some times its just not worth it
Hey Guinevere *knight flips up his visor* Hast thou considered my proposal? Because *unsheathes blade* I’m sword of a big deal.
9: I’m writing a book based on a true story.
Me: Make me look good.
9: FINE. I’ll write something else.
TREE: omg what happened to you
LOG: i was hacked
[HR office]
Do you know why we called you in today?
To give me a pay rise?
No.
Because I googled ‘How to burn down office’ 600 times?
Yes.
What the dentist sees
I’m supposed to take an antibiotic one hour before or 2-3 hours after eating, and literally such a time does not exist
Once I was in an elevator w/ 5 strangers & a lady ran up at the last second. Instead of helping her, we all watched the doors close. I said, “Good. I never liked her” to what I thought would be big laughs. Nope. As I rode 10 floors in thick silence, they shut me out even harder
me: this house is making lots of creaky sounds
realtor: that just means it’s settling
my fiancee: *creaky sounds*
Hogwarts – a magical school or a pig venereal disease? Inquiring minds wanna know
Husband: you’re late
Me: would you believe me if I said it’s because I made a healthy breakfast and then went for a jog
Husband: No
Me: Fine, my pop-tart got stuck in the toaster
How to stop Facebook Live and Marketplace notifications:
1) Open Facebook app
2) Go to Settings
3) Throw your phone into a river