Yesterday our neighborhood hairdresser was arrested for selling drugs. I was her customer for 10 years. I had no idea she was a hairdresser.
You Might Also Like
I remember when hashtag meant it was your turn to fill the pipe.
She lied to me. Just like the resealable cheese industry.
*buys dog mask*
*shits on neighbors’ lawn*
The earth is the largest rock that any of us will ever stand on. So I’ve never understood rock climbers. By standing on the earth, you have stood on the biggest rock. You are done. You have peaked. You don’t have to keep climbing rocks. Unnecessary.
I always carry a knife because cake, and murder.
Someone threw a bottle of Omega 3 pills at me.
Luckily the injuries were only super fish oil.
#HatDadJoke
To the chimp I laughed at in a psychology textbook that was addicted to flushing a toilet again & again & again: I’m on Twitter now I get it
2: I no want to eat pasta! It too spicy!
Me: Oh ok then
2: I no wan watch Mickey Mouse he too spicy!
Me: huh?
2: NO BATH TIME BATH TOO SPICY
I always say “no spoilers!”. Not because I plan to see the movie but because I don’t want to listen to you babble on about it.
Wasn’t this a cartoon.
Yes
I was mildly embarrassed, that one time at the liquor store, when I sampled the aged scotch because the look on the guy’s face clearly indicated I should not have shot it back like I was at a frat party.
It’s weird that on this date in Back to the Future they didn’t show people incessantly posting about Back to the Future.
George refuses to date a woman when he sees her on 2 different dating apps. G:”It’s too desperate.” J:”How’d you find out?” G:”I’m on both.”
RIP cat who thought sunglasses would stop Medusa
H: So what’s the worst thing you’ve ever seen someone do?
Me: I watched a mother buy her son a harmonica.
I remember a short time in my life when I didn’t like hot dogs. 5 is a challenging age.
Pretty sure the “FINISH HIM” guy from Mortal Kombat is giving relationship advice to every girl I date.
Emotions so raw, Gordon Ramsay makes a clever joke about them.
What do we want?
“A CURE FOR PASSIVE AGGRESSION”When do we want it?
“Whatever, you decide. You’re the smart one.”
Pandas are proof that you can get fat from just eating salad.
I realized I was taking too long to get my toddler her food when she started growling at me
*sniffs glue
glue: I have a boyfriend
Don’t get your panties in a bunch. The nicer ones are sold individually.
Coworker: Do you have good taste in music?
Me: I can only taste things I put in my mouth
Both of us thinking: I work with an idiot
A vampire can’t enter your home without being invited. But that doesn’t apply to sheds. (One of those bloodsucking pricks stole my weedwacker last week.)
Me: Haha hate it when I walk into a room and then forget what I came in for.
Executioner: Seriously these are your last words?
They say to do something that scares you everyday so I hosted an outdoor birthday party with 12 kids under the age of 8 while wearing a white t-shirt.
Relationship so bad you start relating to Taylor Swift songs
I love that you can say “pardon my french” and then say a swear and everyone’s like “ok, I was warned” but if you said “pardon my French” and spoke French someone would hit you in the knees with a bike chain