It tastes nothing like bourbon btw
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You: My kid loves piano
My kid: *licking the piano keys*
Me: Same
Period tracker: 196 days late
Me: *wears white pants
Period: I’m ready for my comeback
There’s an expiration date on this bottle of Bailey’s lmao
Boss: For your first assignment I need 500 words about the healthcare debate by Friday
Me: *lied about going to journalism school* Oh wow ok umm
Bad
Unhealthy
Debateful
Shouty
Sadfaceemoji
Scary
Awkward
Hashtagnotgoals
Angr-
Couples therapist: So what brought you here today?
Me: An uber haha
Wife: omg this is what I’m talking about!
Couples Therapist: Yes
Wife: He’s hilarious but useless in bed
Hey Guinevere *knight flips up his visor* Hast thou considered my proposal? Because *unsheathes blade* I’m sword of a big deal.
*watching James Blunt mouth “not you” to me after singing You’re Beautiful in concert*
*wife walks over to me*
*cups my face with her hands*
*looks me in the eye*“Why is there a mousetrap in the fridge?”
Oh sure, when the Fonz uses a public bathroom as his office, he’s “cool”, but when I do it, I’m a “creep”.
You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take and 98% of the ones you do. Maybe this is not your sport.
When people ask me how old I am, I always say 45.
They all think I look AMAZING for my age.
Do people who swirl and sniff their wine in the glass know that it tastes just the same straight from the bottle? Amateurs.
I am not a pro at mind games, so I will be direct and ask, “are you or are you not going to offer me snacks?”
[Bunch of 6 year olds knock on my door]
“TRICK OR TREAT!”
You kids are in for a real treat…
*slips each of them a copy of my demo tape*
WIFE: He wanted me to lay these coins over his eyes at his funeral
FRIEND: Seems like a waste of chocolate
Men and women CAN be just friends. But only if one of them is ugly.
Blood is thicker than water. Maple syrup is thicker than blood. So pancakes are more important than family. There, I said it.
I never understood why that family in Poltergeist stayed in the house after all the crazy shit they went through. But then again, here we all are, for some reason still on Twitter.
I personally endorse our president going to war with North Korea. Not our military of course, just the president.
It must be awkward being a cyclops called Iain.
[gf takes pregnancy test, starts crying]
“It’s negative”
Lemme see it
[reads] ‘Not prego. Just fat. And ugly’
Wow that’s really negative
therapist: describe this picture
me: that’s my father yelling at me
therapist: and this one
me: you having sex with my wife
therapist: and this one
me: aren’t these normally ink blots
*brings vasectomy paperwork to speed dating*
Me: [talking to millenials] When I was your age, dragons roamed the earth. Magic was real. There were only three Star Wars movies.
16yo daughter; “I love listening to the oldies!”
*plays The Smiths
Me: Uncontrollable weeping
[standing outside in the rain]
*opens weather app*
Looks like rain today.
I can’t be a sellout. I have no idea what anyone wants.
Heard a rival dad is planning to hand out king size candy bars for Halloween so now every trick or treater that comes to my house is getting a full rack of ribs.
What’s the sleaziest way of fitting four multiple choice options into one?
A) Be Seedy
I’m so old I thought “stfu” was a reminder to pack my “shoes, tie, fedora, underpants.”